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Happy New Year!

2012-01-14T19:18:00.001-08:00

I haven't written a new blog post in a long time....partly because I couldn't think of anything to write about...but mostly because I had forgotten my password for signing in.

It's a simple fix, but I was too lazy to figure it out--until today.

I know you all are celebrating out there in the blog world....it must have been hard waiting so long to 'hear' from me again. (I just giggled to myself, realizing that *I* am the blog world that I refer to...and thus, I WILL celebrate to hear from me again!)

During my silence, I did occasionally visit my blog, and read over some of my ancient posts. Not to revel in my awesomeness (*ahem*), but rather to reflect on some of my previous thoughts and discern whether I still stood by those words. God has this neat way of having words spill out of my mouth (or type out of my fingers) that touch me over and over again.

I don't know if anyone else has ever had the experience of giving advice that never passed through your mind before it exited your mouth....and then thinking, "Wow, those are words I should really apply to myself!"

Sometimes that happens with my blog posts, too. I write it out in a long stream of unedited thoughts (aside from spell-check), only to read it over and see that God was sending ME a message--through my OWN words!

When this happens, it confirms my belief that the Bible is the inspired word of God. Because I have experienced how it works in my own life. 'Man' will always have arguments as to why the Bible is invalid for them...until they live it themselves.

God bless you all in 2012!

Untitiled #2

2011-08-30T19:38:00.000-07:00

There must be some good soil under this rocky sand....how else could this tree plant its roots and grow so well?

Sometimes it's hard to look past a person's life experience to see the good soil in which God's word can grow and produce magnificent results. Sometimes it is ourselves that cannot see the good soil that sits in our hearts, waiting to nurture love and Truth.

In reflecting on God's love, and trying to reconcile the fact that He loves EVERYONE (really, there are some people I truly have difficulty believing He loves), I came to the realization that there are some things that are hidden to this world because they have to be felt with by the heart.

There is a lovable place within each of us. That is the place that Jesus could see while He walked the earth....He looked at the heart, the most vulnerable place in any person's life, and was able to love...even when hate was returned. On the surface, sand covered the good soil--everyone knows you don't plant seeds in sandy ground--but Jesus saw the hidden nutrients, and planted a seed of love in the very people who were deemed 'unlovable' (remember the tax collector?).

Each day I will do my best to look past the outer layer of sand and see the heart of each person I come across. It's amazing how much good soil is waiting to be planted.

Untitled #1

2011-08-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd squeeze in at least one post this month...seeing as how I've been averaging one post a month and August is almost over with no posts yet.

I will have four children going off to school this September. One to a very private home-school set up, and three to regular school. This will be the first time in 13 years that I won't have a baby or toddler or child at home during the days. I'm both excited and shell-shocked...and a little sad at how fast the years have gone by.

I know my 'job' as Mom continues, but for a large portion of each weekday, I am putting my trust in others to expand on the start I've given my children.

13 years...wow. All of them were well worth the sleepless nights, the scrapes and boo-boos, the irritable days of teething and the common colds. The Lord truly blessed me with mountains of memories that I will cherish of those earlier days.

I really could barely wait for this day to come, and now that it is nearing, I'm starting to wish it would hold on just a few more weeks...or months...maybe years?

Okay, Lord, I'm here. Use me. :)

It's the little things.

2011-07-22T20:14:00.001-07:00

For anyone who has experienced bouts of anxiety or helped someone else suffering through anxiety, you will know that the small steps forward deserve a celebration.

It's been 19 months since Alec's first symptoms showed up, following the abuse by his teacher. The roller coaster of emotions he felt, that our family felt, is a ride that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Here are the things we are celebrating in Alec's recovery:

He can now look at a menu in any restaurant and choose his own meal.
He can sit through a meal and not have the urge to run away.
He is once again testing his own blood sugars, measuring out his injection, and giving himself needles.
He joins us at the family dinner table and eats with us.
He laughs...multiple times a day.
He plays with his friends again.
He rides his bike and goes to the park...on his own.
He says his prayers before bed, and sleeps through the night (no nightmares)
He tidies his room.
He cares for his dog.

Most of the things I have listed seem really insignificant to most people. What's so remarkable about an 11 year old boy acting like an 11 year old boy? Well, for 18 months, he wasn't doing any of these things....the anxiety caused panic attacks, which essentially stopped all 'normalcy' in our lives as a family.

I am so grateful that God has restored our beautiful son to us. I won't take these small steps for granted ever again. We are truly blessed.

Praise God!

Planes, trains and automobiles

2011-05-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

We set off a week before Christmas 1998.

Arnaud, me and our 7 month old baby, Ethan, were on our way to France from the Czech Republic to celebrate the holiday with Arnaud's family. We had also arranged (or rather, my mother in law had arranged) to have Ethan baptized in a local Catholic Church on Christmas Day.

My husband didn't want to pay the airport parking fees in Prague, so it was decided that we would take the train from our small village to the big city.

We packed as little as we could, as there would be a lot of walking and connections to make which means we would have to be able to carry everything we brought. I put Ethan in the snugly, my jacket covering us both, then put an over sized backpack on and a large cooler (with all our baby foods and snacks) over one shoulder. With one hand, I carried the diaper bag.

Arnaud was just as heavily laden as I was, with a backpack on his back, on his front, and dragging our large suitcase behind him.

We arrived at the train station, and bought our tickets. Our plane tickets had been purchased the month prior, so we had to time everything perfectly.

We stood on the platform and waited. Ethan slept peacefully...but I was getting hot. We saw the train approach....but as it got closer, Arnaud realized it was the wrong one! Our train was on the next platform!

"Run! Sarah, quickly!" Arnaud shouted over the rumbled of the approaching train.

He was already jumping down on the tracks with his baggage, while I stood horrified at the thought of jumping in front of an oncoming train. If I didn't go, I would miss our only chance to catch the right train....but going meant risking mine and my baby's life if we tripped.

I still to this day cannot believe I jumped too...and ran for my life--literally!

We made it. I was sweating, and promised myself to yell at Arnaud when we were safe and sound on the train.

God had other plans.

The train was packed. Like sardines in a can. All the seats taken, all the hallways filled, people hanging on the outside of the train. Packed.

Arnaud climbed on first. My lip began quivering. My eyes began to tear up. He turned around and held his hand out to help me up. I could barely fit through the entrance with my over-loaded shoulders.

Then Arnaud disappeared into the train. He told me to wait where I was...among strangers...with our little baby boy....he was going to look for a place for me to sit for the ride. I wondered what the heck I was doing in this country, and why I had agreed to take a train to Prague.

The train began to move. I lost my balance, but a kind man grabbed onto me and my things and held me until I regained my feet. I thanked him. It was 30 minutes before I saw my husband again, and he led me down the hall, squeezing through the crowd, to an empty seat....one given up by a man who took compassion on a young father looking for a place that his wife and child could rest.

We arrived in Prague after 2 hours on that train. It was a subway terminal where we got off, and Arnaud went to look for the right line to take to the airport while I sat with our luggage. Ethan was awake and hungry by this time, so I took out some baby food and fed it to him in the snugly. I was hungry too, but I was not able to reach the snacks in the cooler, so I ignored the hunger pangs.

We boarded the subway with no problems, and arrived at the stop for the airport. This is where we found out we had to climb the stairs (there were about 300 of them) to get to street level where we would have to take a bus to the actual Airport!

I bit my lip so I wouldn't cry. I told Arnaud I was okay...but I wanted to just sit and rest my feet.

We continued on.

We made it to France. I began crying when I saw Arnaud's parents, and was given a big hug. I vowed never to take anything for granted about travel again. The visit was wonderful, and the baptism was just beautiful (I'll leave that story for another post).

Then we had to return. The same way we came. But in reverse order, with heavier baggage (we received LOTS of presents for Christmas).

Onto the plane we went. Arriving in Prague, we caught the bus that took us to the subway station...the subway was nearly empty, as most people were out partying on New Year's Eve. There was plenty of room to sit while riding.

It was looking like an easy trip back home! We had a whole cabin to ourselves on the train, so Ethan could sit by the window and have some space to play around for the 2 hour trip.

We arrived at the second-last stop before our town. It seemed an extra long stop, and eventually Arnaud got up to see what was going on. He was then informed that this was the last stop, and there were no more trains going to our town!

It was nearly 10:00 at night, and I just wanted to be home. We got off the train and began to walk aimlessly through the town. It was starting to snow. There was a light on in a hotel close-by, so we stepped in to see if we could rent a room for the night.

"Sorry, we are completely full. All the hotels and hostels are full on New Year's Eve."

We then asked if there were any taxis we could call, and were informed that there were none.

I began to cry, silently. Arnaud hugged me. He thanked the woman at the front desk, and we walked out into the cold again.

Just as we began to descend the stairs, someone called out to us in Czech, "Hey, hold on! I think I know someone who can help!" The man went into a back room where many people were drinking and ringing in the new year, and brought out an elderly man.

I don't remember his name, but he owned his own car. In the Czech Republic, most people did not own cars until they were in their mid-late 50's, as it cost them 10 years' salary.

He offered to drive us to our small town, a 30 minute drive. We eagerly accepted the offer. As we drove, I took out all the money I had on me and told Arnaud to pay him all of it. I didn't care if it was way more than a normal taxi ride would cost, I was just so thankful to be going home.

When we arrived at home, it was nearing 1:00 a.m. We unloaded the car with the driver's help, then Arnaud handed him the money. He had tears in his eyes, placed his hand upon Ethan's sleeping head, and refused the money.

He drove away. I never knew what it was like to meet an angel in real life. But I knew then....and I also knew that God was watching over us, and would continue to do so.

Living under scrutiny

2011-03-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

It's not a very good feeling to know that your every move is being watched, especially when you want others to view you as a good person, but you know they are just waiting for a mistake to prove you are not.

Instead of going about 'as usual', you begin to try and orchestrate how you will say things, or which clothes will best portray the person you want to be....your reactions to the kids will change in front of others, as you second guess yourself as a parent.

You can pull it off for a long time, but the effort catches up to you. The fatigue sets in, and the constant justification of your actions and words eat up all the confidence you have left.

The gig is up. "YOU" have been outed. And it's not the 'you' that you want to be.

It's lonely when you get to that point.

That's when God meets you, holds out His hand, and lets you know that He still loves you, even if the world forsakes you.

God offers new life....new breath....and hope for the future He has planned for you.

Homeschooling

2011-02-01T08:24:00.001-08:00

I have officially signed up to home school Alec until June.

I'm am both terrified and determined....but mainly terrified. It's a decision of necessity, not one of calling, although I have no doubts that God has lead me to this path.

I have been thrown into the world of 'curriculum', 'progress reports', 'learning objectives' and scheduled lessons. If I didn't have an appreciation for what teachers do before this, I am in awe now that they are capable of performing all these duties year after year for 30 students at a time! I took it for granted all the organizing and planning that teaching involves....but I will never again look at a (good) teacher without a deep respect for the service they provide.

Although I'm early on into this, I have quickly recognized that I am in need of quite a few refresher courses in Grade 6 math....and science....and language arts...and...well, all of it!!! It's hard to stay ahead of Alec when all the new ways of learning go against the processes I learned in school. Maybe this is God's way of getting me back into the learning mode before I attempt going back to school?

As scared as I was to make this decision, I am confident that it is the best one for Alec and for our family. The stress levels have diminished so much in our home now that we are not dealing with harassment from the school, and hope is once again restored for our futures. It's an empowering decision....to know that I am capable of providing for my children in a time of need.

God is so good...He even provided my mother's skills as a teacher to take on some of the more difficult lesson planning, as well as offer to teach Alec 3 mornings a week. I don't think the decision would have been as easy to make without the support that Mom has offered.

If you have any tips or words of encouragement about home schooling, I'm all ears!

Christmas is upon us

2010-12-19T10:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my most favorite time of year. My heart is full of memories of large family dinners, Christmas carols, a fireplace blazing with warm light, and eggnog.

I even love going out and shopping for unique gifts for friends and family....looking all those other shoppers in the eyes and smiling, knowing it may be the only time I ever lay eyes on them, and wanting to make sure my first impression is a caring one.

And then the guilt hits. It seems I save all my Joy and Christmas cheer for complete strangers, and fail to provide the same for those closest to me. I am much less patient with my children than I am with whining shoppers in checkout lines. I can see the humor in almost any situation...but I seem to be blind to the need for it at home.

My home should be a safe and calm place for my family to lay their heads...instead I have let the negativity cover all the opportunities for peace. My heart sinks when I look at the pile of dishes left in the sink...when I should be elated at the fact that my husband cooked dinner for the family.

The laundry piles are on my mind when my youngest wants a story read to her before bed. The vacuuming did not get done (again) because the dog escaped from the backyard and we all had to go find her.

BUT.....

My children are healthy.
Our home is nice and warm.
There is food in our fridge.
Gas in our van.
Bills are paid.

Dear Jesus,
Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.
Thank you Lord for answering prayers, even before they are spoken.
Thank you for Your saving Grace, and for giving us Your Son....knowing that we would use and abuse Him in this world. Your Love amazes me daily.
Amen.

It's not the same

2010-11-16T14:18:00.000-08:00

I was reading a friend's blog today, and her words spoke to me and to some of my pain.

I'm not sure I knew this particular area that I was hurting before reading her words, but I sure know it now.

Her journey is one of heartache, anguish, bone-crushing agony...and hope. A path that has brought her to the brink of ruin so many times, and yet she pulls herself back and bravely faces the world again....even though it's only a matter of time before the waves of grief pull her once again towards the ocean of despair.

Her baby girl died this past spring. Suddenly, with no warning. There is no comparable pain.

So how could her words speak to my struggles? How can I even remotely relate to a portion of her pain? My children all continue to breathe, sleep, and live.

I think I realized today that while Alec is still alive...and while he still makes small steps towards recovery...a part of him did die back in December when his teacher hurt him.

A part of him did die.

The part that gave him his spark, his will to live....
I miss who he used to be. I accept who he is now, but my heart will always grieve what could have been. I cry myself to sleep many nights. I beg God to let us all go back to before the 'bad stuff' happened. I fear the future.

God has the power to bring back to life that which has died. It's not always what He chooses to do.

It's hard for me to trust in His plan when I hurt like I do.

I want to care about others and their problems, and I want to be happy for those who never have to know their 10 year old child has contemplated suicide,....but sometimes I feel my heart isn't big enough anymore.

My pain is not the same as my friend's pain. But it hurts too.

I'm waiting for God to help me release the hold of anger on my heart...and maybe he's waiting for me to allow him.

How does God speak to you?

2010-11-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

I have been asked this question multiple times, and I mostly stumble over my answers.

The truth is, it's hard to explain how God speaks to me. Sometimes He speaks through visions or dreams, other times it's a still, quiet voice. Not quite a whisper....more of a gentle breeze past my ear with words that burn my heart.

I have had God speak to me through others....even through non-believers. As pain and turmoil is shared, that loving caress with words that build you up from the inside out is as much God's voice as the booming baritone that most expect to hear.

Sometimes I miss the message....maybe most times, actually. He guides me with words that make no sense to the World's ways. I am asked to say or do things that will most definitely make me stand out....but not in a 'wow, she's so awesome' kind of way....more like a 'yep, she's whacked' kind of way.

That's how I know it's God's voice.

And that potential for embarrassment is what keeps me from the growth I desperately need.

The voice has been strong lately, and He's telling me to forgive. He has even been clear on WHO to forgive, and HOW to do it. I'm still hurting. My son is still hurting. And God wants me to forgive. I know the message is urgent, for He has used every communication tool to convey it.

I have had dreams. And visions.

I have heard the still, small voice brushing past my ears.

I have heard the booming command, and had His words jump at me from the Bible. My heart has been convicted.

So I will listen. Because I know that God's ways are not always understood, but they are always right.

I must apologize

2010-07-15T15:28:00.001-07:00

To the unsuspecting stranger who unwittingly posed for this picture in the background.

A superficial post

2010-06-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

Fashion sense...do you have it?

Some days I'm convinced that I have so many skills in this area, and I hold my head high as I walk out my door in my colourful ensemble.....only to pass by a shop window and realize that not ALL oranges go with ALL blues.

I am much more comfortable in my black tees with my blue jeans. I know FOR SURE I won't stand out (good or bad), and I can just focus on being a nice person without the added pressure of being stylish too. I'd rather someone know my occupation (Frumpy MOM) by how I dress, than wonder if I do clowning on the side.

Case in point: I decided to experiment with scarves. I see them everywhere on women, even in the summer! I picked up some safe colours (greys, black and white, one with pink in it!) to start.

My first outing with a scarf included a beige jean jacket-type thing over a white t-shirt, with a grey/white scarf. A nice pair of dark blue jeans finished off the look, and I exited my room feeling quite proud of my efforts.

The great thing about having young children is that they are always honest...even when you don't ask for it.

As I grabbed my purse to head off to the meeting (that I had dressed up for), Alec asked (quite innocently), "Mom, why are your dressed like an explorer?"

Most would feel defeated at this point. Not I. Why? Because at least he wasn't laughing this time.

My oldest daughter, Annlise (8), definitely has more style than myself. It comes naturally for her, and I'm glad...because I couldn't teach it to a chimp, even if I had a magazine to help me. There have been days that I helped her be creative. She would smile, eat her breakfast, then promptly go change when I was looking the other way.

She didn't want to hurt my feelings. What a sweetheart. What she doesn't realize is that I've already accepted my shortcomings in this area, and feelings cannot be hurt when the concept of fashion seems to be a joke to me. A cruel joke.

I like to tell myself that fashion is like art. It's all subjective and up to each individual to interpret. What all that really means is that everyone dresses really funny, and awkward, and foolish....to at least one person that sees us each day.

So, I'd rather be comfortable (and un-stylish) when people see me, so that maybe they'll look past the clothes to see the contentment.

I love looking at other women's style...and wonder if sometimes they feel just like me.

God has such a big job to do

2010-06-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you would like to save the world?

I have moments when bright ideas pop into my head, and I think to myself, "If I did this, the world would be such a grand place to live!"

That's when the details of actually accomplishing these far-fetched goals bog me down, and the reality of just how many obstacles are in the way prevent me from even starting.

I had a revelation the other day, and I'm sure it was from the Holy Spirit, that I'm not God.

Seriously. That's what popped into my mind. I'm not God.

Duh, right? Well, when further contemplating this revelation, I came to the conclusion that I don't have to see everything through to the end. If I use the talents that God gives me to begin a good work, and the goal is a God-centered one, then He will see it through to the end.

Those obstacles? Way too big for me...but not even close to stopping God. I don't need to have solutions right now for what has yet to happen. I need to trust that God will provide the answers to the impossible.

I'm glad I'm not God. He has SUCH a big job to do!

Stress

2010-06-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'm not stressed. Right now.

I have experienced a lot of stress this year. It has caused me to reflect on the important things in life. I have learned that stress can be felt in different doses, and it can cause the most sane person to behave irrationally at times.

It is not benign.

Stress doesn't usually bring about positive feelings. I think it most closely resembles anger. Sadly, when let loose, it tends to have a domino effect on our loved ones.

How often do you admit to one another that you are stressed? How quickly are you able to pinpoint that you are not in fact angry, but rather you are stressed?

I've been learning through these past few months that when I used the proper term for my feelings ("I'm feeling really stressed with the work I have to get done") as opposed to anger ("Don't you see I am working and have deadlines??!!?!), I tend to get along better with those I care about most.

It doesn't necessarily take away my stressed feelings, but it does prevent further stress by preventing the domino effect.

I have always said that there are reasons for every season of our lives, and for every circumstance there is a lesson to be learned. I sense that experiencing this stress now, and learning coping mechanisms, is to better prepare me for the teenage years to come.

I pray for all who are experiencing stress right now, that they may know Peace in their hearts...in the midst of the chaos.

Did you think I would forget?

2010-04-09T20:20:00.001-07:00

I was just in denial that it's been 3 years.

Really? I guess it's true. You must be sassy (but the adorable kind of sassy) and have an opinion on everything. I'm sure Jesus loves to hear your thoughts about how the world turns (around you!).

I hope you felt the love from your family and friends up in Heaven on this, your special day.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Savannah. You are never far from my heart.

Bullies

2010-03-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I really don't know where this post will lead. I suspect I will end up just rambling some unconnected thoughts, seeking an outlet for the many tidbits that lay stacked up inside my head.

Any feedback is welcome....even if written in Chinese! :)

Some days I'm sick of the constant exposure to media stories on bullying and bullies.

Yes, they exist. Yes, it's unfortunate to be the victim of bullying. Yes, it can cause life-long issues that one will have to deal with...and there are some who never quite heal.

Today I'm not sick of the topic. In fact, I want to share my own thoughts....and I may stick to this topic for quite a few posts, just to get it off my chest.

I think some exposure to being picked on is a good thing; it can test our abilities to cope through rough times. Surviving the ridicule and humiliation can either strengthen us or cause us to close the world out. The difference, I believe, is in how the adults in a child's life react to each given situation.

If a capable adult is quick to act, and fair in their judgement, both the bully and the victim can learn from the pain. If the adult(s) ignore or minimize the issues, I dare say they are just as guilty as the bully.

As we enter into adulthood, there is an expectation that bullying ceases to exist. Almost as if the very idea of bullying is a childish one...belonging to adolescents. Sadly, some bullies do not change because they have never been confronted to change.

In our day and age, we attempt to avoid doling out consequences for poor behaviours. We help the oppressors justify their actions, as opposed to learn from their mistakes. Teachers are taught to not take sides.

My father (a doctor) has an old newspaper clipping of a quote that summarizes exactly my thoughts:

TAKE SIDES!
Neutrality only helps the oppressor, never the oppressed.

I challenge all you blog readers to take a stand against wrong doing. Protect the defenseless, come alongside those who hurt others because they hurt inside, and give power back to the ones stripped of self-worth by others' harmful actions.

More to come.....

My first February post

2010-02-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

Do any of you say the word 'Feb-RU-ary' while typing it...just so you don't forget the first 'r'? I can still hear my second grade teacher's voice in my head whenever I am writing the month's full name.

But this post is not about spelling, it's about February. And what a great month it is! My youngest daughter, Kalyna, turned four on the 6th of this month, and I will be turning NOT 6 on the 21st!

We had some family and friends over to celebrate both my girl's birthdays (Annlise turned 8 on Jan. 22) early on this month, so I'm all partied-out. Well, not all partied-out, but mostly.

God has been doing some amazing things in our lives, more specifically, in Alec's life. I hope to one day be able to reflect back on these past few months and share just how God's love has transformed us all through an unexpected ordeal.

Here are some pictures of the Birthday girls!

Puppy love

2010-01-30T18:22:00.000-08:00

Literally.

God works in mysterious ways. I have been adamant for the last 10 years that my home will not be occupied by any large animals. I guess God figured I was being a bit too stubborn...and I realize that He was right--again.

Kipper ('Kip' for short) was adopted on January 25 from our local Humane Society. She has already found a lasting place in all of our hearts...and I am grateful for the way she is helping Alec to heal from some of his hurts.

God could not have picked a better behaved puppy for us to love on! She came to us almost fully house-trained, and has the most gentle demeanor I've ever seen in a dog!

At 3.5 months old, she is already nearing 25 pounds....I have a feeling she is not going to be a lap dog when full-grown.

Moving along...

2010-01-10T16:11:00.000-08:00

Yikes!

The thing about not writing on my blog very often is that it may give off the impression that I remain feeling as conflicted as my last post indicated.

Which is not the case.

Well, at least I'm not feeling like that all the time....just when the feelings well up inside.

Which they tend to do while I work out my emotions.

And they are working themselves out. In their own time.

Meanwhile, I have an almost-eight-year-old daughter and an almost-four-year-old daughter who are completely and totally addicted to card games. I don't say that lightly. They literally go through withdrawal if they cannot find someone to play 'Go Fish' with them when the mood strikes.

And the mood strikes often.

I made absolutely no New Year's resolutions.....which means that I've already accomplished what I set out to do for 2010: live each day, one moment at a time. Pretty good, huh?

God is always right

2010-01-05T09:26:00.001-08:00

I've been struggling with some very real emotions recently. Emotions that make me want to say hurtful things.

In the world's eyes, I'm justified. In fact, in my eyes, I'm justified in carrying out what my emotions want me to do.

However, in God's eyes, I am not excused if I carry out these actions in anger.

As much as I pray that the Lord lifts my hurt and anger, a huge part of me wants to hang onto it. I don't want to forgive this person. I want this person to hurt inside. I want this person to pay for what they have done. I want revenge.

What I have been learning (albeit slowly) is that having God in my life does not make decisions easier...in fact, I'd say that His guidance makes the choices so much more difficult! Yes, that's right. I said it. It's hard having God in my life right now.

Why? Because I cannot deny the Truth of His counsel. I want to react with my human instincts. Before I knew God, I would do just that. I didn't really care if I hurt people along the way....because I felt justified in doing so.

Now that I do know God through Jesus, I am privy to know the 'right thing' to do....and it's so hard to choose the right thing when every part of my being wants to do the wrong thing.

My human urge wants to deny knowing what is right. I have been close to giving in to these hurts...and every time I get near acting them out, I see the cross before me. I have a choice to add another nail or put the hammer down.

I am stuck holding the hammer right now. In tears. I think I know what I will do, but I have not made that decision yet.

God is always right.

Yay!

2009-12-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

I made it to 3 blog posts this month! Come on, celebrate with me!

The Christmas break from school began great! We sat down to do our yearly rice krispie gingerbread houses/shapes. So much yummier than the 'real' thing.

Christmas morning was full of smiles and giggles. That was the best gift for my husband and I by far!

....However, I do have to say that my parent's gift of a Dyson Ball vacuum came a close second! This machine is just great! Not only does it have excellent suction...but it has magical powers that make my husband enjoy vacuuming! It doesn't get any better than this....

Our youngest niece, Katie, warmed our hearts with multiple visits this month. Her ever-growing wardrobe keeps all of her extended family exclaiming, "Awwww!"

And, of course, it wouldn't be a true school break if we didn't do some sledding....in our own backyard!!!!

I hope all you blog readers had equally exciting fun at your homes this Christmas season!

An Annlise-ism

2009-12-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

The other day Annlise (almost 8) and I were cuddling in the living room and talking about the joys of winter. The Christmas tree lights were on, music playing, and we were both sipping a warm beverage of our choosing.

My focus shifted to the window, and the white fluffy clouds coming out of the furnace exhaust pipe.

"What are you looking at Mom?"

"I'm looking at the exhaust coming from the furnace pipe."

"Poor Furnace!"

"Why would you say that, Annlise?"

"Because it's exhaused!"

I love how young minds work! I look forward to many more moments to sit and cuddle...and to hear how her little thinker ticks over the next two weeks.

When God tests you

2009-12-20T18:17:00.000-08:00

...He always makes sure you've been taught the tools to get you through.

The last few months have been something else. I mean, really something else. Like, if I were hearing this from a stranger, I'd wonder if they were just making up drama to get attention....that kind of something else.

But it happened to me--well, my family.

Most of the hardships seemed to be dumping all over Alec. I had moments where I would slump in my chair at the end of a day and ask God, "Really? You think I can get through this??? I hope you are carrying me, 'cause I'm about ready to drop."

And if I felt that poorly...I can only imagine what poor Alec must be trying to process in his young mind.

And then another one hit him.

One of his teachers (he has two that share duties) took out her stress on Alec in early December. She led him to an empty room, closed the door, and yelled at the top of her lungs until he cried....all because he and his friends had been chatting. His blood sugars plummeted --but after the ordeal he couldn't stomach food.

You'd think I'd get a call at this point, right? Well, I didn't. No, the teacher (in front of his whole class) yelled, "Well you aren't calling home or going home, so you better eat something."

After many meetings (where the teacher confessed), a forced apology from the teacher, and calm-but-firm instructions from my husband and I, Alec now is in another classroom. He is also visiting a psychiatrist to deal with the trauma of the event...which is looking like she's been inappropriate from the beginning of the school year.

My heart breaks for everything that he's been through. And God, knowing the intimate details of my pain (and Alec's), sent a message of hope through letters written at the end of last year by Alec's former classmates. In each letter there were compliments on his humour, artistic skill, athletic abilities, and just overall 'coolness'.

Wow. What a blessing just before Christmas!

If these issues weren't enough, my oldest son Ethan came home from school on Monday with an awful tummy ache. We tried everything to make him more comfortable, but the pain just increased.

It was finally decided that we should pay a visit to the Children's emergency room. There the doctor determined that he was suffering from appendicitis! From diagnosis to first cut was 45 min. I guess they don't fool around with this kind of situation! Praise God for all the skilled doctors, and helpful nurses...as we didn't have to stay in hospital longer than 24 hours.

Ethan is resting at home and slowly recovering from his surgery (and getting lots of love and ice cream!).

God still has plans to prosper our family, not to harm us. I plan to have a VERY MERRY Christmas this year. I have so much to be thankful for!

God Bless you as you celebrate Jesus' birthday this year.

Praise Report

2009-11-26T09:01:00.000-08:00

I looked over the frequency of my blog posts throughout the year, and realized that the numbers reflect what typically happens in my life. I start out very eager (some say 'overachieving'), then burnout....and end up barely hanging on.

Sad really, but indicative of many aspects of my journey. I have to say that since meeting Jesus, I make some awesome comebacks in the areas that are most important! He makes the difference between wallowing in despair, and brushing off the bruises to grow stronger. I'm still learning to trust Him in all I do. Some days it is easier than others.

I had mentioned that we were facing some tough trials with respect to Alec's health. He made it through his surgery on November 12, but had some post-surgery infections to deal with. It was physically and emotionally draining to watch him suffer through the discomforts, but I held tightly to God's promise of healing.

He had an MRI scan of his brain last Friday....and on Monday I heard the best news: There are no abnormalities or growths on his brain!!! Praise God! This means that his headaches can be treated with less invasive measures....and we may actually be on the up-swing with Alec's health.

He wasn't too thrilled with the IV, but he sat still and didn't even flinch!

My handsome, brave, little boy is turning 10 tomorrow!

On the same day that we received the great news about the scan, we heard about an unexpected change in our financial situation....which eliminated my fears about fixing our van during the Christmas season.

God has always been faithful to us, and yet I am taken aback every time I see just how involved He is in our everyday life. He does take care of the little things....with a little faith.

Let there be Peace

2009-11-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

Arnaud and I have been attending a marriage course through our Church. They needed couples to fill spots, and I thought, 'what better way to prove we're doing it right, than to go and ace this course!'

Wouldn't you know that God was planning to humble us as a couple....again! It seemed after every session, Arnaud and I would be muttering something less than lovable under our breaths to each other. The issues we felt we had dealt with and moved on from seemed to sneak up and pull the rug out from beneath us! Some help this course was!

It wasn't until week 5 that 'praying together' was introduced. Wow. That the first time we prayed together in our little huddled corner, the tension and angst were lifted from our shoulders.

It was as if God spoke to both of us saying, "Let there be Peace." And there was Peace.

We began incorporating walks into our routine again. Something we had given up because of Alec's unpredictable comfort levels with his health issues. The fresh air and beautiful Fall colours seemed to lift everyone's spirits as we shared important (to us) thoughts and ideas with each other.

The children went from bickering every five minutes to laughing and enjoying each other's company. Colour came back into their life as the cool Autumn air kissed their cheeks with the hints of winter to come.

We had a day or two of snow thrown in the mix to remind us of how white blankets can cover even the dirtiest lawns and make them look clean and new.

Let there be Peace.

Sometimes words are hard to find

2009-10-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've posted about a little girl named Hannah who was very sick earlier this year. A cancerous tumour that weighed almost 1/3 her body weight was discovered in her abdomen, and her heart had been badly damaged.

Throughout the last few months she's been fighting a tough and courageous battle to keep her little body going....but lately it seems the Cancer is having the upper hand.

Her tiny frame is now swollen with retained fluids, and she is in quite a bit of discomfort with a fever. Hannah and her mother have been transported to a hospital far from their home in hopes of finding another treatment that can ease her pain.

The prognosis is not good. It seems the Doctors are at a loss as to what further they can do to help her.

I continue to pray for a miracle. I continue to have hope that God's plans for little Hannah include more years on this earth...and if that is not in His Will, I pray that His comfort is felt by all who know and love little Hannah.

Please include Hannah and her family in your prayers in the next few weeks.

Four years old....a precious life....Lord, bring Glory to the Father through your healing hands, and help those of us on earth understand Your love and Mercy. Let Your Will be done here on earth as it is in Heaven. Surround Hannah in your comfort, and bestow Peace upon her parents. Amen.

On the scale of 1 to enternity...

2009-09-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

This is a phrase used quite often by my Mother. I can remember her saying these words when I was a little girl--usually when I was in the midst of a temper tantrum.

Mom would cuddle me in her arms and stroke back my hair, all the while saying, "Sarah, on the scale of 1 to eternity, is this issue really worth getting worked up over?"

When put into that perspective, it's hard to justify any tantrum! Including my adult tantrums...which from time to time have been known to happen in my house.

It's taken years for me to come to a place of Peace about the unfairnesses (yes, I use my own words still!) of life. I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and others that if you were living your life exactly how God wanted you to, then you would not experience heartache and strife.

Boy, was I ever wrong!

It was exhausting keeping that smile on my face as my heart broke time and again with the pain of loss, the frustrations of an imperfect husband, and the failures I faced as a Mother. I would berate myself over and over for allowing my feelings to bubble to the surface, convinced that I was failing as a child of God.

I was unable (or maybe unwilling) to hear God's truth as He gently took me into His arms to ask if my worries were beneficial....on His scale of 1 to eternity. The familiar phrase, with my partial understanding, would help me to brush off the tears and start over again.

Over this last summer God has been working on my heart and in my head about what He cares about in my life. I was never promised a life void of pain and upset, nor a life full of riches (this side of Heaven). The Promise that Christ brought to us was not for this lifetime....the Promise is the reward for keeping our eyes on Jesus during our brief time on earth.

So, on the scale of 1 to eternity:

I am a baby, still in the womb, awaiting my birth.

Focusing on the hardships in life distracts me from serving the Lord with Joy.

I will have all eternity to rest, this life is my opportunity to earn that rest with hard work with God's help.

Healing comes in many forms, including being called home--where sickness does not exist.

Take a moment to reflect on different stresses in your life and ask yourself, "On the scale of 1 to eternity, is this worth getting worked up over?"

I'm an Auntie again!

2009-09-16T15:09:00.001-07:00

Katie, my newest niece, was born on September 14th. A whopping 7 lbs, 11 oz! I'm over the moon happy for my sister and brother in law!

God is Good!

Too cute for (more) words!

What's new?

2009-09-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday was the first day of school where we live. It was the day I planned to regain some of my sanity after a summer full of trials!

I looked forward to some moments of quiet, where I could organize the house without too many interruptions. I'm sure the kids were equally relieved to be around their friends again and back to a routine away from siblings.

When Kalyna returned home from the walk to drop off her older brothers and sister at school, she promptly lay down on the couch and said, "Now I get the sofa ALL to myself!"

Of course, I had to take a picture of the moment.

Alec was not happy to wake up so early in the morning.....but after a nice warm bath, he was eager to head out the door to greet his new Teacher!

Annlise has been 'playing' school all summer long. She kept a better countdown calendar for the first day of school than I did! I was not surprised to find her already dressed when my alarm went off at 7:00 am.

She didn't have to leave the house until 8:15, but her excitement made it hard to keep her in the home for that long!

And here we have Ethan. Yes, he's in a cast. Again. Last Monday he was playing on a friend's trampoline and the friend fell on top of Ethan's knee. It bent sideways. And hurt. A lot.

He's in a half-slab cast until Tuesday, when we'll find out if he gets a full length cast. The Doctor suspects he broke his growth plate in the knee, but we have to wait for the swelling to go down before we can determine that.

What a way to start school, eh?

We were able to get away for one night this summer. We went to an indoor splash park and bought some baked goods from the local bakery. I had to take a shot of this particular dessert that Alec picked out....he has wanted a dog for so very long, but we have family that are allergic to animals....so instead of caring for one, he decided he should at least be able to EAT one.

*ahem* Only my kid.

It was yummy.

Does Eternity scare you?

2009-09-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Depending on the day and the thoughts surrounding me at the time, it scares me.

The funny thing is, death doesn't scare me. I mean, the process of dying makes my skin crawl, but the actual passing-over-to-the-other-side does not phase me in the least. It used to, but God's hand removed that fear....which is a whole 'nother post.

Okay, back to Eternity.

Here's what I know:

There will be no more tears.
No more sadness.
All the loved ones that I miss so terribly will greet me with open arms.
The streets will be paved in gold with diamonds and rubies and all those other gems adorning their edges (or something along those lines).
I will not want to leave this new world where there is no more illness, no more death, and no more anger.
My room will be in a great mansion with more comforts and riches than I'll ever know this side of Heaven.
I will no longer hunger nor thirst, and the sun will continuously shine upon me.

Best of all....I will meet Jesus face-to-face!

How in the world could I possibly be scared of such an awesome place? Here's my train of thought when the uneasiness hits:

Eternity is a loooooong time. What if I get bored?

Seriously. That's the aspect that I can't get my mind around, and thus, it scares me.

Of course, the alternative scares me waaaaaay more than Eternity, so I'll take the risk of being bored over dying a second death!

Husband Love

2009-08-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

There were times in our relationship that I couldn't imagine loving my husband more than I did in that moment. My heart burst with adoration, passion, and overall joy as I would gaze at him and marvel at the thought that he was a part of me. In those moments, I knew the true beauty of what God intends marriage to be.

If everyday could be that way, I guess I might be tempted to take these blessings for granted. Thankfully, God allows a little bit of human reality to seep into these blissful times, reminding us both that marriage is not just feelings, but work. The work always pays off, but you have to be willing to put in overtime--even when the other is 'slacking'.

My marriage is not 50/50. We strive for 100/100, with both of us committing ourselves to giving our all to each other. Of course we don't always reach that goal, and sometimes the effort looks more like 90/30....or even 25/75, depending on what stresses we are allowing into our lives.

When we do reach that perfect equilibrium, nothing compares to the pure exhilarating happiness that we both feel.

I have grown in my understanding of love in the 11 years we have been married. I now know that I can still love my husband even when I don't like him. You see, liking is a feeling. Loving is an action. I choose not to name-call (or throw things) when he is behaving in a less-than-desirable fashion, and that is loving. I know the regrets of following through on my feelings will be far worse than swallowing my pride in the moment.

I have been more than blessed with plenty of opportunities to test my love for him, and overjoyed with the rewards of choosing to love instead of 'being right'. (Of course there are always those times when being right is just inevitable....as I am always right)

Arnaud has always been able to make me laugh. I hope I never stop laughing at his antics!

These are some small glimpses of why I love my husband so much. And why I am so thankful to God for bringing him into my life.

Loyalty to friends.

He still sings in the rain!

He is not above embarassing himself.

How can you NOT love a face like this? LOL!

God bless!

Good times

2009-08-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

For the last 10 days we've been practicing our hospitality for my husband's best friend (for over 20 years) and his 2 year old son. They travelled all the way from France to the middle of nowhere (for them), just to spend their vacation in our little home, with our not-so-little family.

We took them to the popular hotspots of our quaint little city, as well as to some spots we haven't even been to in the 10 years we've lived here as a family!

We shared some laughs, some tears, and some good old-fashioned silliness....mainly at the expense of my husband--who apparently did many embarassing things as a young teenager. That's what good friends are for, right?

The timing of this visit was perfect. My husband has been missing his friends and family back in France....and it felt like France had come to us!

The children were all enjoying using their French again, and learning new phrases to take back to school with them. We were able to teach little Simon a few English words as well--"Cool!" and "I love you, eh"--the most important phrases while visiting Canada.

Here are some photos of our time together. The Lord surely blessed us with good fellowship and a renewed sense of contentment.

Jesus feeding the multitudes

2009-08-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

Remember the story of Jesus feeding the crowd, even though He only had 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish?

The small amount of food seemed to grow as it was consumed.

The disciples wanted the crowd to turn away from Jesus and find their own food. Jesus took what should have been a crisis, and turned it into an important lesson: Keep your eyes on Jesus, and He will provide. Literally.

I've been reflecting on my need for God's Grace in the recent few weeks. I was desperate at times, feeling that I had depleted His stores for me, and I only had a handful left to try and get through the tough times.

I looked around me at the growing piles of laundry, dishes, and outside stresses and was convinced that I would be swallowed up by life's worries. I tried to ration out the little Grace that was left within me.....but I used it up dealing with the children's bickering.

Uh oh. Now what? I was on the verge of imploding, with a high possibility of collateral damage.

I had two choices: Give into my urge to fall to pieces, or get on my knees. The children were expecting the former, so you can imagine their surprise when Mommy got down on her knees and began to pray.

"Lord, you don't give us more than we can handle with your help. I need that help right now, and I trust that you will provide it. Amen."

Then it happened. A miracle! The Grace (which I had used up) began to grow. Not only did it grow, but it spread to my husband and children....I even had left over Grace to offer to my neighbors!

I can't do it on my own. I have never been able to. The times that I didn't know where my help came from, He carried me without being thanked. Now that I do know where to turn, I praise and thank Him daily. Jesus is my daily bread....and my fish.

It's been more than a week

2009-07-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

The playhouse is completely painted, has a roof (a tarp), and my backyard is looking mighty fine...if I do say so myself--which I just did!

I'll post a picture when the sand is in the sandbox.

I wish I had more exciting things to write about today, but we've spent the last week or so sticking around the house, watching Alec and his unusual symptoms that seem to pop up every hour or so. (okay, a little over dramatic, but it's my blog!)

On Thursday he had a blood draw at the hospital. The Endocrine doctors were checking him for Addison's disease and making sure his blood counts were good. The results indicate that he does not have Addison's disease (Thank the Lord!), but his Thyroid levels were still too high for comfort. The hope is that his anti-thyroid drugs will continue to work in the days to come.

In the meantime, his file and information was sent to our pediatrician so that he could further investigate the symptoms that don't seem to fit with his Thyroid problems (dizziness, nausea, weight loss, headaches). After a brief (10 min) physical exam, it was determined that Alec has Postural Hypotension....which are big words that mean that his blood pressure drops significantly from laying down to standing....which explains his dizziness---or at least it should. Not a cause for concern.

What it does not explain is why he gets hit with dizziness after standing for prolonged periods of time. Nor does it solve the weight loss or nausea. Our pediatrician blames them all on his Thyroid and Diabetes....which the specialists have stated is not the case.

I have also noticed a pattern to his symptoms. They begin to increase in frequency and severity from about 4:00 pm on. The worst symptoms have all happened right around 9:00 pm. I have no clue if this means anything, but it seems odd that it follows this pattern to a 'T' every day for the past 6 days (possibly longer, I just didn't record before then).

As you can tell, my thoughts have been consumed with finding answers to help Alec. His irritability and unwell feelings have made outings difficult....almost like toting around a 2 year old again, only bigger.

I pray that an answer is soon to be found, and we can enjoy the summer with no worries hanging over our heads.

Next week my husband's friend from France is coming to stay with us for 10 days. I'm looking forward to using my French again....just to see the confusion on a 'true' French face.

Can you guess what this is a picture of? (no cheating for those of you who know from facebook!)

Is there anything more perfect than a smile?

2009-07-17T14:40:00.001-07:00

I gave up striving for perfection years ago, but there remains a small annoying part of me that still thinks I can attain it.

Placing furniture just right.

Making sure the painting on the wall is not slanted....even a millimeter off would not be right.

Licking my finger and wiping off the last smear of chocolate from the corner of my daughter's mouth.

Do any of these actions serve a purpose beyond 'fitting the mold'? Nope.

In my angst to keep the upstairs tidy and the laundry up to date, I neglected the more important needs....my kids' enjoyment of their summer holidays. As I looked around at my organized home, there was something missing. A sparkle...but not because anymore cleaning was necessary...no, the sparkle was missing from my children's eyes.

*sigh*

How could I make it up to them? I know I can't get back the minutes I wasted stressing over the dust bunnies...but what could I plan to get the excitement back into our home?

Ahh...the old, unpainted playhouse in the backyard. I had been meaning to get it painted for years now, but it had never made it to my priority list.

I had big plans to find a colour that would blend into the garden or even match the house. You know, make it look perfect.

As I listed off the colours the kids could choose from, I noticed the shoulders begin to slump and the initial excitement of being involved with the painting seemed to fade.

Ouch. I was doing it again.

I threw out the list of colours. I carted all four of them to Home Depot and said, "Have at it...find a colour you want."

Amazingly enough, they all agreed on a single colour.....Neon Green.

I can't say I'm excited about the colour. It most likely will stand out like a sore thumb in the neighborhood....but the bright smiles on each of my kids' faces convinced me it was the perfect colour.

Pictures will follow in the days to come.

I told you it was bright....I can't wait to fill the sand box up when it's all done. First layer is finished. Tomorrow we'll put on the second layer (if it doesn't rain), then fill the box with sand on the weekend!

Audience size

2009-07-12T18:11:00.001-07:00

Do you find that people's message (or how they present themselves) changes as their audience grows? Like somehow they have to cater to a wider range of opinions, so they end up sacrificing a part of who they are in order to please the crowds?

Take, for instance, Oprah. (please bear with me) I remember watching her when I was really young, and thinking, 'Wow, she really cares about these people she is interviewing!'

Through the years, as she became more popular (and richer!), I noticed a more aggressive and self-absorbed 'celebrity' coming out. Her message was no longer as clear....and sadly (or not), I stopped watching her show. She wasn't herself anymore....or at least not the Oprah I had enjoyed years before.

Similarly, Dr. Phil used to wear his heart on his sleeve when he was a frequent guest of Oprah's. With his new show and expanded following, maybe it became too much to connect on a personal level with every single guest looking for answers.

His interactions with people in pain has become more of a bully approach, as opposed to a friend coming alongside to help guide them.

And look what happened (or is happening) to President Obama. All that energy during his campaign, meant to endear him to millions, has given way to the exhausting reality that you cannot please everyone all the time.

This leads me to my thoughts today about this whole 'blogging' world that I apparently belong to now. The same feelings I had when I started writing (naive to writing, no computer skills, not much of a story to tell, etc) came to the surface, and I began questioning who exactly am I 'talking' to--or directing my thoughts to--on my blog?

What is my purpose for writing?

If there's one thing I remember from High school English (and I don't remember much) it's that you should know your audience before you put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard in this case).

Do I really need a purpose to blog? I guess not. I just do it. *Thank you Nike for that phrase*

Wow. I'm random today, aren't I? (redundant question, no need to answer....please)
So, in keeping with my randomness, I'll post some unrelated photos too. :)

My children are not 'normal'

2009-07-09T16:24:00.001-07:00

Not even in sickness.

Type 1 Diabetes is a pretty rare disease (although Diabetes gets a lot of news coverage) and accounts for about 10% of all types of Diabetics. Rarer still is to develop the disease before you reach your adolescent/teenage years.

Alec was diagnosed on his 3rd birthday.

Hypothyroidism (under active Thyroid) is known to be associated with Type 1 diabetes, as it falls under the umbrella of autoimmune diseases. It's a condition that Diabetics are screened for every year after diagnosis.

Hyperthyroidism (over-active Thyroid) is mostly seen in women in their 30's and 40's. It is not common to see in children, much less young boys.

Alec was diagnosed with Grave's Disease (over-active Thyroid) just before his 6th birthday.

We were told he had about a 20% chance to go into remission from Grave's disease if we tried the anti-thyroid drugs for 3 years. We prayed that he'd fall into that small percentage, but that was not God's plan.

Alec remained off the medication for a total of 8 weeks last summer before the symptoms returned. We knew it was only a matter of time before we'd have to take the radio-iodine route....as his chances for remission were cut to less than 5% after his relapse.

The treatment (drinking a radio active iodine solution) was simple and painless. Alec didn't even gag! We went about our business as usual, assured that there were no side effects (and certainly not in children with the small dose he received).

Alec woke up vomiting violently the next morning.

His blood sugars went through the roof.

He lost his appetite, yet still had high blood sugars.....something was NOT okay.

After pestering the doctors with several phone calls (close to 30), it was finally decided that Alec's Thyroid was acting in a very unusual fashion and producing way too much of its hormone. His Grave's disease symptoms were coming back in full force, and he needed to be put back on his anti-thyroid medication.

If you haven't guessed by now, nothing about Alec's health history is 'normal'. I think (as strange as this sounds) that I would never again complain about the extra care needed for his health needs if only he would follow a 'typical' path.....one that didn't surprise Doctors.

After his Thyroid is dealt with, Alec will be getting a full work-up to find out why he is losing weight. Doctors suspect it is another auto-immune disease that may be rearing its ugly head. As worrisome as that makes me, I am relieved that I am finally being heard by his Doctors. They are beginning to agree that Alec is paving his own path, and they need to keep an eye on it.

I will continue to have faith that God's plan is to prosper Alec (and our family), not to harm us. One day I will see clearly through these trials, and have a deeper understanding of the Strength that only God can give to those who are weak.

Please keep Alec in your prayers.

Train of Thoughts

2009-07-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

When you read about the Swine Flu (H1N1) or hear about it on the news....do you sometimes feel a twinge of relief when it's stated that the person who is suffering or has died of it had underlying health issues?

Do you feel somehow less vulnerable because you don't have an issue that puts you at greater risk?

I know that initially I felt these things. That is until they specified the health concerns that complicated the recovery of this particular type of flu. Diabetes.

Chances are that you know of someone with this disease, or have it yourself. Whether it be Type1 or Type 2, the flu doesn't discriminate. It's an awful disease when it's not managed properly...and can be awful even if you do everything in your power to get it under control.

My little bubble of perceived immunity was burst as I gazed over at my son, Alec, who has lived with Diabetes for the past 6.5 years. It was in that moment, when I realized he was at greater risk than the general population, that I made up my mind to never again feel less sad over the death of someone who had underlying health concerns.

The people who love and care for these individuals feel just as much pain and anguish, even if they were aware of the extra health complications. A death is a death. Hearts are broken whether the person was sick or well before passing. Whether they are young or old, they were loved and will be missed.

You can never truly prepare yourself for saying good-bye.

My Mom just came out of surgery about an hour ago. She had a horrible gall bladder attack, and was admitted yesterday. They removed the offending organ, and she's recovering well.

My son Alec received his radio-iodine treatment on Friday afternoon. He has been experiencing some of the uglier side-effects (vomiting, headaches, general fatigue), and the doctors are keeping a close eye on his symptoms. The most difficult part of caring for him has been making sure his younger sisters stayed far enough away from him that they didn't get any radiation exposure (he'll be radio-active for about 5 days).

When his scan was done before the treatment, it measured that the Thyroid was absorbing the iodine at a rate of 50% (they were hoping to see between 5-15%, so it was definitely over-active!). As strange as this sounds, I felt it was a sign from God that we had made the right decision at this point....and my heart was at Peace.

My oldest son has been in a cast for the last 2 weeks. He tore a tendon on the top of his foot during a soccer game, and was put in a cast for stability and protection.

I think the past month has been the busiest month for hospital visits in my life! I do hope the trend is over!

Black and White

2009-06-26T07:47:00.000-07:00

God sees things in Black and White. We like to add in 'grey areas' to justify our actions....but really, God sees right through that.

In every circumstance, there is a right and there is a wrong. We look for the 'grey' because it's easier to excuse behaviours (that we ourselves are guilty of) rather than admit to wrongdoing.

How does one reconcile a God of Black and White as loving when we want to see grey?

The love part comes with His forgiveness. He turns the Black in our lives to White with His light of Hope. In order to reach that transforming light, we first need to rid ourselves of the grey to see the Black in our lives....then repent to open up to the light.

Are you wondering what made me get so hooked on this theme? Well, I've been taking black and white pictures of my kids, of course!

On my mind

2009-06-13T13:37:00.000-07:00

The test results for Alec's Thyroid came back normal, as did the test for Celiac's disease. We are no closer to understanding his issues than we were a couple weeks ago.

The next step is seeing an Opthamologist, and we have an appointment on the 19th to have his eyes checked out. We are also on a waiting list for the RAI (radio-active iodine) treatment. I'm praying that we can get his health in check before school starts in September!

On a brighter note, the school year is coming to an end and all three children have been getting excellent grades on their tests and projects! Each of their teachers have commented on what a joy they are to teach--which completely warms my heart.

Annlise's cast is finally off her leg, with one more follow-up appointment scheduled in one month to make sure her heel bone is getting more solid. She mentioned today that she misses her cast. Why does that give me a sinking feeling in my stomach?

Last day with the cast:

Getting the cast sawed off:

Today is a beautiful sunny day out. It's amazing what a little sunshine can do for me.

Pain is not Punishment

2009-06-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have already come to the realization that my children do not belong to me but have been entrusted to my care for as many days as God has written for them in His book. I don't get to decide when He calls them home, but I do get to love them each and every day I am allowed to be their Mom.

With the recent worries over Alec's health, I have been praying that Jesus would take away his discomforts and pain. I have been agonizing over decisions to be made, and lamenting about how unfair it is for my child to be going through so many struggles.

In short, I have been having a pity party....

In the midst of my prayers and petitions for mercy, God revealed to me that pain in life is not punishment. It is one aspect of human life that is shared universally....whether it be emotional, physical or mental pain, we all experience it at some point in our lives. What you do with that pain is the difference between being defeated or being lifted above your circumstances.

The temptation for me to curl up in a ball and stay in my valley of despair is strong. It's an effort on my part each day to choose to be hopeful and content and to share my burdens with those who keep my eyes on Christ's promise of comfort.

My job is not to ensure my children live a life void of pain. That would be an impossible task! No, my role is to teach them where to turn to for healing and comfort. I must walk with them through the hurts, not around them.

I am awaiting a phone call from Alec's doctors with blood test results. He is being screened for a condition called Celiac's disease. I will continue to give Thanks to God for going ahead of us on this path and providing us with direction, even though my heart is heavy.

My walls have colour!!

2009-06-03T07:35:00.000-07:00

Here are the promised pictures of the work I've been doing for the past week or so. Both my husband and I survived painting together (even though the red took 6 layers to get right!!). It was a good time spent together, and we are very happy with what we accomplished.

It is agreed, however, that any more painting will be done by professionals because of the time it requires.

Our 'before' shot (we didn't take proper before shots, so I found some in my old pictures)

You can see the walls are a very light (almost no colour) shade of beige.

And our after shots:

Beep.

2009-06-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

From a low point on the weekend, to a renewed strength in the Lord....what a wonderful feeling to rise out of the valley and experience even a moment of pure joy and laughter!

Alec, my son whom I have been praying for and crying out for Mercy for, was used by God to touch my heart this evening.

Preparing for bed, he suddenly remembered a homework assignment that was over due that he hadn't completed yet. I told him he could do it early in the morning, as it was already late and he needed rest.

Without my knowledge, Alec snuck out of bed and found the duo-tang for his homework. It was his reading log, where he records all the reading he has done for the month, then reflects on his effort in a letter to his teacher.

As I sat down to drink my tea and watch a movie, I notice this strategically placed duo-tang next to the love seat. I didn't look through it until the movie had finished (by the way, "Taken" with Liam Neeson is an AWESOME movie!).

When I flipped to the back to check his spelling, this is what I found:

"Dear Mme. (teacher),

This month I read a Pokemon Poster 4 times and read a Lego magazine 1 time. The Lego Magazine I think is adventure. The Pokemon Poster was just boring. Whoops...almost forgot I also read "Oh the thinks you can think" and it was fiction. I finished all the books and posters. My favorite book this month was the Lego magazine because I like Lego. I feel like I did good this month and I'll try to read more next month then I did this month. My goal for next month is to read a little bit more. Bye.

Please leave after this beep.

beeeeeeeeeeeeepppp.

Your buddy, Alec.

I have not laughed so hard in such a long time....and tonight's tears were of joy and complete love for a beautiful blessing from God.

Beeeeep.

Not so chipper today

2009-05-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Today was Alec's diabetic check-up (he goes once every 3 months), and the results were not good.

His A1C's (the average level of sugar in his blood over a period of 3 months) were sky-high, yet his records show that we had some good management at home and at school. Coupled with some persistent symptoms, the doctors and I agree that his Thyroid is acting up again.

He has not been well. It's time for us to treat his Hyperthyroidism with radio-active iodine....killing the gland so that it can no longer negatively affect his diabetic care. This is the logical next step for him, and he'll feel a whole bunch better once he's done.

My mind understands this, but my heart is breaking in two. This treatment will completely kill off a part of his body. He will depend on a pill (as well as insulin) for the rest of his life....just to function normally.

I cannot ask God the question, "why Alec?"

....I know that His answer is, "Because I see around the corner of this trial, and you all will come out stronger."

God knew this was coming, and He knows the rest of Alec's story. Please pray that I will find Peace and rest in it during this storm.

I don't like hard work

2009-05-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

And preparing walls for painting is HARD work to me.

The plan was to find someone (cheap) to do the painting for us. Our living/dining room walls are in need of a new coat of colour after 30 years of plain ole (barely) beige. We have lived in this house for nearly 10 years, and it's taken us this long to commit to a bold colour combo for these rooms.

I was in the midst of organizing to get estimates from various painters when my husband blurts out, "I really miss painting with you Sarah. We had such good times when we did the other rooms....and I felt closer to you when we did a project like that."

How do you NOT paint yourself after that kind of remark? So. Here we are at the project start date. And I'm not looking forward to the hard work.

I have chosen a 'Brickage' red colour for two of the walls in the dining area, and a 'Toffee crisp' colour for the three larger walls that connect into the living room area. I really do love the colours that I have chosen, and so does my husband--by default (he stated that he didn't care what colours were picked, he just wanted to get started).

After taking down all the framed photos and buying all the tape, Arnaud (my husband) decided that before painting he'd need to mud the holes left behind. Not only does he need to mud the holes, he also needs to sand those mudded holes after letting them dry for a couple days.

Somehow I think he must have been remembering a painting project with someone else when he spoke earlier....someone a lot more patient than me. The longer this prep time takes, the more I wish I had hired a professional who would have been finished by now! Why couldn't I have just suggested that we paint canvas' together? Hindsight is 20/20 I guess.

As I type, he's upstairs sanding away. I love that man!

When all is said and done, I know we'll be happy with the end result. I'll be sure to post pictures when it's done.

Biting off more than you can chew

2009-05-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

There is a desire in all of us to do something great. Something BIG. Something AMAZING.

I certainly carry this desire within me. It's so hard, though, to spend time in the baby steps leading up to great responsibility. Most of the little things don't seem like much until you get to the next stage....and that's when you realize that you could not have handled the present issues without the skills attained from your previous challenge.

Sometimes the activities and lessons we learn don't seem to connect with the journey until years down the line. We don't see the BIG picture, but God sees the whole canvas before us.

In my rush to reach the end result, I sometimes bite off more than I can chew....thinking it will get me there faster (where ever 'there' may be). I end up choking on my responsibilities because I take on the 'control' factor, instead of focusing on the Holy Spirit's leading.

I went on a Vestry retreat this weekend. We are facing huge challenges in our denomination, and each problem can be traced back to the point that our higher leadership took their eyes off God, and cared more about what society valued. The Church that I attend has remained in God's Word and that puts us on the 'outside' of the wider community of our denomination.

I have recognized that my words have not been followed by actions....and hopefully that is going to change now. I have joined my Church's Mission Ministry. I think I have been avoiding this area because of irrational fears.

You see, we have a lunch program in our Church that runs daily for the less fortunate of our city. There are a group of women who come in and make sandwiches and soup everyday and hand them out to the inner city people.

I've known about this program since I began attending this parish, but I've always had an excuse not to volunteer. No more.

God revealed to me that the people who come each day to receive food don't need me. I need them. I need to reach out and see Christ in the very people that most of us avoid. There has been this opportunity for me to grow, and I have been resisting this particular path.

Not only am I going to put my time where my words have been, but I am going to reach out to others in our community. I want others to have the same opportunity to give back. I will approach the big businesses and ask for their employees to join us on their lunch break.

I may have bitten off more than I can chew...but God has big teeth. ;)

Stolen Joy

2009-05-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

Are you like me? When things in life are going well and you are so happy your heart nearly bursts, do you have a tinge of fear about something awful happening?

For years I just brushed off the feeling as 'guilt' for having it so good at the time, or maybe a lack of trust that the smooth ride would continue for any length time.

I now realize that someone was stealing my joy. And I was allowing it to happen.

When God blesses us, He wants us to rest in His Peace and rejoice in contentment. Whether we worry or not about what tomorrow will bring, tomorrow and its season still comes. The only difference is that we've wasted the precious calm time to replenish our spirit, and are not as capable of handling the next opportunity that comes our way.

Next time a feeling such as this passes over you, recognize that your joy is being stolen. Don't willingly give it up. Own it, and be thankful for it.

Is it not amazing?

2009-05-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

I was overcome with such wonder and amazement today as I (once again) reflected on the Sovereign power of God.

The internet is a vast, largely untapped, cyber-world of relationships and sharing of thoughts. A tool for people to connect from every corner of the Earth. We have slowly been working our way towards mechanisms and vessels that allow our thoughts and cultures to reach the far ends of this planet we live on.

We began on foot. Travelling for days, weeks...months and years to reach other cultures. We incorporated animals to relieve our burdens and give rest to our aching feet.

Using innovative tools, we then carved out 'riding machines' and used the seemingly unlimited energy from large animals to move around. This allowed for quicker travel and more exploration. Boats were also an efficient means to reach out to others and form symbiotic relations and trade agreements.

Bring in the motor vehicle and our world became even more accessible. Telephones, planes, space ships.....all these wondrous machines that would physically take us to new places, or verbally connect us with new worlds.

Amazing to reflect on all these tools.

That's when I began to question, "For what purpose?"

There are the practical reasons: expand trade, seeking more food, the need for more land as the population grew.....and the human reasons: curiosity and adventure!

And at the very basic level, communication. A desire to share the lessons and love that had been shown in each of our lives with others who may or may not have similar stories. Exchanging new innovative ideas to make living easier.

To reach out to the hurting and show them the way to comfort.

I have been encouraged and surprised when I come across fellow Christians living worlds away who have the same understanding and passions as myself....all of it serves to build on the gift of Faith I've been given. We worship and serve the same God!

God causes all things to come together for Good. Including the internet. I know that I have experienced His love through others, and I do my best to give back. Both face to face and through a computer screen.

We are inching closer and closer to the point where every single person will have heard of God's love for the world.....regardless if they accept it or not. Now that is amazing.

Speaking of trials and lessons...

2009-05-15T17:33:00.001-07:00

Here's the background story in Annlise's own words:

"Okay, so I was playing on the playground at the end of Gym class (we had outdoor gym today), and a boy was daring me to jump from a high place on the play structure.

Mom. You can't say no to a dare from a BOY! So, I jumped down and I was fine. He said that I probably couldn't do it again, and I told him I could.

I climbed up and jumped again....but this time it hurt bad. I even cried!!!"

That's my girl! You show that boy how smart and tough you are.....two hairline fractures to your heel bone later, I'm sure that's what he's thinking. LOL

3 weeks with no weight-bearing allowed. This is going to be F.U.N!

The Times, they are a'changin

2009-05-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that when you can easily spot problems in others, it's because you are avoiding some of your own?

That verse in the Bible that talks about taking the plank out of your own eye before removing the sliver from your brother's kind of hit home for me tonight. And I have absolutely NO clue why.

I don't think I've been overly 'meddling' in anyone's life (of course I should probably ask those close to me to get a reality check), and I really don't feel I'm obsessing about another's problems...but I have a nagging feeling that maybe I'm too focused on pointing out the blemishes of my neighbours, when it is me that harbours the troubles.

The truth is I know I'm about due for another one of God's 'pruning' sessions. I fully know the Joys of coming out the other side of His handiwork....but the journey to get through the muck is not one I look forward to.

I want the Lord to continue to mold me and shape me to reflect His love more accurately, I really do! However, growth is always accompanied by growing pains.

Maturing in Christ is not easily treated with Tylenol or ice packs....for the pain a servant endures must reach the heart in order to be most effective. I wish I wasn't so hesitant to go through the trials--that my Faith was so strong that I could confidently look these tests face-on without flinching.

But that's not me. I tremble inside as I contemplate the circumstances that will inevitably come my way. Ones that have the potential to cut away the cinicism and negativity in my life. Will I accept the challenges? Will I cower away and miss an opportunity to know Jesus more deeply?

For now I will enjoy the peaceful rest that God has provided....and refuel with the Spirit for the plans He has ahead.....for we all know that worry doesn't add a single day to my life.

Reverse Psychology

2009-05-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

It seems that Kalyna is the only one who will pose for pictures these days. Here's a nice helping of 'hamming it up' for Mommy!

"Kalyna, show Mommy a pretty face"

"How about a nice smile?"

(I just missed the tongue sticking out with this shot)

"Okay, if you are going to do the opposite of everything I ask, go nuts!!!"

(why didn't I think of that command sooner?!? lol)

God Bless!

Strangers on a plane

2009-04-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

I recently took a flight down to Ohio for my brother's wedding. I sat with my sister the whole way down, and she was there to hold my hand when we hit some turbulence just over Chicago (I now know why they call it the 'windy city').

I am not usually a nervous passenger on planes, but my stomach is prone to more than flip flops when we hit air pockets or strong winds. Cutting through storm clouds, although quite fascinating, is a test of my ability to clench my jaw and prevent my stomach contents from reversing their path.

Once we had soared above the clouds, it became smooth sailing, and I no longer needed the assurance of my sister's hand. My sister was grateful to have her hand back in order to accept the drink the stewardess was offering.

I was completely at ease as we checked in for our return flight...until I saw that my sister and I were not going to be seated together! Who was going to hold my hand????

My sister gave me some very good advice on how to breath through the anxiety and 'pretend' that I actually loved turbulence. Yeah. Not going to happen.

I decided that I'd just have to clench my hands together and pretend I was holding someone else's hand. I settled myself into the window seat that I had been assigned to, and proceeded to study the emergency landing procedures and feel under my seat for the life jacket that the booklet claimed was there. (it was!)

A business man placed his briefcase in the overhead compartment, then sat down next to me. We didn't say a word. Not even 'hello'. My reasoning was apparent (I was immersed in the emergency manual), his was just habit I'm sure.

We prepared for take-off. I prayed silently, all the while wringing my hands.

The plane was airborne. I braced myself for the clouds....evidently I didn't brace hard enough.

The plane pitched to one side, dropped a couple hundred meters, then pitched the other way to right itself. I was terrified! I lost my normal social etiquette skills, and grabbed the businessman's hand next to me. He hadn't even flinched through the whole ordeal, but my sudden panicked gesture shocked him beyond what the turbulence possibly could.

He turned to me, smiled, then gently said, "Just a little wind, nothing to be scared of."

I was mortified, embarrassed, and laughing all at once. Once the seat belt sign was turned off, I went to join my sister who had an empty seat next to her. I thanked the gentleman as I squeezed past him. I think he was relieved that he wouldn't see me for the landing.

Lord,
Thank you for stangers on planes. Amen

This post does not exist.

2009-04-27T19:13:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

You are not reading these words because I'm in denial. And, as we all know, until I recognize the issue (or issues), it does not exist in my life. So, this whole post does not exist because I'm going to talk about something that does not exist in my life.

Capish?

Remember how I went off coffee creamers to see if it would have any effect on my waistline? And remember how I 'cheated'--but not really--and felt guilty all the same?

Well, I'm back on creamers. (I know! I was shocked too!)

The first week or so wasn't so bad. I was able to add just a 'dab' of cream and be satisfied. Then I tried a Cappuccino. With cream. Oh.my.word......it was heavenly! Each day I needed just a smidgen more to satiate my desires. I told myself that it wasn't that bad, I mean, one little drop more couldn't hurt, right?

I became very comfortable (and generous) with my coffee cream. So much so that I now fill my mug 1/4 full with cream before the coffee goes in! (You can't be grossed out by this....after all, I didn't really say any of it because I'm still in denial)

I do believe I mentioned a few posts back that I don't stick with anything for more than about 2 weeks at a time, right? Therefore, none of this should come as a surprise to those who pay attention to my ramblings.

Anywho....what was I talking about? Oh, yeah! My jeans have shrunk again. I'm determined to write a complaint to the jean manufacturers about these faulty pieces of clothing! Stay tuned for my world-wide petition against shrinking material being used in women's jeans! It must be discrimination! It may take me some time to figure out the best wording for said petition......

In the meantime, I'm going to start playing soccer again to release some of these pent up (denial) feelings.

Family Wedding

2009-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

I attended my little brother's wedding in Ohio this week. It was such a special, intimate ceremony, and I was able to capture the pure joy and love with a few pictures.

My new sister in law, getting ready at the Church:

My little brother and his new Bride:

Cutting the cake:

The rings:

And here is the speech that I wrote out and surprised them both with:

David and Stephanie,

I have some Marriage advice from my children, but first I’d like to quote two verses of the Bible:

Matthew 18:3 Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.

1 Corinthians 7:14 For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy.

Since my children could not be here today, I asked each of them to give some pointers about what they thought makes a marriage great. Here is what they shared:

Ethan’s Marriage advice:

To have a good Marriage you must believe in God. To have a great one, you need to ring the bell when you kiss at the altar. Be careful about how you dress, making sure it’s appropriate....because if you don’t you will look weird and embarrass your husband or wife. Make sure that your clothes match each other.
You should treat each other the way you would want to be treated. You should not divorce because God does not like divorce. You should talk to each other very lovingly.
When you argue, since Uncle David is a good arguer, you should be careful Auntie Stephanie.

Ethan also wanted to say a prayer for your wedding day:

Dear Lord, today you have found yet another matching pair...my Uncle David and my Auntie Stephanie. I love them very much, thank you lord. Lord I hope you bless them with kids. Amen.

Here is Alec’s Marriage advice:

Make sure you kiss every few hours.
When you argue, walk away instead of fighting.
Oh, and Good job on getting married!

And now some Words of wisdom from Annlise:

For Auntie Stephanie and Uncle David, I hope you have a good marriage!
Marriage means love, care, and happiness. You should be nice with each other when you are married because if your’re not, God will be sad. I think you will look beautiful on your wedding day, Auntie Stephanie.

Last, but not least, Kalyna’s marriage advice:

Don’t fight! Say sorry on Saturday. This was then followed by a ‘high five’, I guess she was quite proud of herself!

I then asked her two questions: What do you want to say to Auntie Stephanie on her wedding day? Kalyna answered, “I love you “

What do you want to say to Uncle David on his wedding day? And I quote: “Thank you for do the wedding.”

There’s not much more that I can add to this wonderful advice. I wish I had some of these instructions when Arnaud and I were starting off!
I have always known David to be caring and wise beyond his years. As he grows and matures, I see the effort he puts into each decision he makes. I am confident he spent the same time and care in choosing a good woman for his wife, as Stephanie has already been a blessing to him.
The biggest blessings in life come after the biggest hurdles. You both have overcome obstacles and unexpected trials to be together--and you will face many more as you grow together in love. I have no doubt that with God’s help, you will conquer the mountains and valleys you encounter in your new life together.

God Bless you both in your Marriage. Welcome to the family Stephanie!

Fresh Air

2009-04-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a very long winter. Literally and figuratively.

The prolonged cold snaps and late March snow storms made a season that is notoriously depressing....even worse.

But this post is not about winter. No, it's about the END of winter, and the beginning of a wonderful season called Flooding....err, I mean Spring.

The snow is almost completely melted now, and the ice jams on the river seem to be behaving, reducing the likelihood of us needing to gather the children and bare essentials in a panic and running for higher ground! Okay, we were never in any danger of that, but it sounds more interesting than saying the kids got all muddy in the puddles forming in our backyard, and I have tons of laundry to do.

I think the opening of windows and the freedom to head outside without 5 layers of clothing has put a spring in my steps and a song on my heart (I promise not to sing out loud....again).

I decided it was high time that I get out to do some walking with Kalyna. She seemed eager to jump into the backpack carrier (yes, at 3 years old, she still gets to ride on Mommy's back!), and join me for the hike--well, technically I live on the prairies, so 'hike' is not the right terminology....but it's my blog, so I'll write what sounds best.

Anyway, we set out for our first walk of the year. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and people were just really friendly. I enjoyed the smiles I met as people realized I had a child on my back, not just a backpack loaded with textbooks from the University.

Kalyna took in a deep breath, let out a huge sigh, then stated, "Ahhh....Fresh Air."

Indeed.

I Will Eat Chocolate Today

2009-04-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

It's inevitable. Although it's technically for the children, I always find reasons to join them in the beauty of chocolate-eating.

And I pay the price.

Today in Church we heard about the empty tomb. Christ was no longer held prisoner by death, but overcame the power of sin and death to free us from our own tombs. The Tombs that were sealed closed by the boulders in our lives that are too heavy for us to roll away.

I can remember a lesson Christ taught me shortly after my experience with the Holy Spirit. I had (for a long time) thought that God sent His only Son to earth so that He could relate better to His creation (us). I viewed Jesus' temptations and hardships as a 'reality' check for Him....a chance for God to know just how hard this earthly life really is. (wow, writing it out I can see how lost I was...)

It was when I took some time to focus on His sacrifice on the cross that my eyes were opened to the Truth of God's Love. He sent His Son for us to relate to Him, not the other way around. God didn't need to send Christ, He chose to send Him....and let us crucify Him....because He loved us, and we needed to learn how to love Him.

Jesus didn't need to move the stone away from His tomb when He rose from the Dead. He could have walked right through that rock, just as He did to enter the room where His disciples awaited Him. No, He chose to move that large stone for our benefit; so that we could be witness to the foundation of our faith--the risen Lord.

God continues to move the large stones in our lives in order for us to see Christ and His Good works. Today I am praising Him for opening my own tomb so that I may live in Him.

God Bless and Happy Easter!

2 Years Old

2009-04-09T18:07:00.000-07:00

Has it really been 2 years?

I marked your first birthday with a gift and card that I sent to your Mom. I wanted her to know that I was celebrating your birthday, and giving thanks for the love you brought into my life. Even though that love hurt deep initially, and brought your Mommy to her knees in sorrow....I can see the joy that your tiny footprints have left on her heart, and on the hearts of all who love you still.

I imagine that you are full of life and giggles in Heaven....much like your older sisters and brother are full of them here on earth. How they would love to hear your beautiful voice! For now only the angels and God Himself are blessed with your wonderful sounds, but one day we will all celebrate together.

Happy 2nd Birthday sweet Savannah_Grace. Your precious little life mattered to me. And still does. I pray that your family on earth will feel Peace and Joy as they are reminded of their special gift from Heaven who had to return too soon.

Love always,
Sarah

Down on my knees

2009-04-07T15:45:00.001-07:00

I just received news that Hannah is in heart failure.

Lord have mercy.

Christ have mercy.

Lord have mercy.

Please say a prayer for little Hannah's family. I will continue to have faith that God will lay His healing hands upon Hannah, and she will have many years to sing His Praises.

Thank you Lord for preparing a way, a straight path, and a soft landing. Hold dear little Hannah close and command those heart cells to work properly.

Amen.

Holy Week

2009-04-06T09:21:00.000-07:00

So, this is Holy Week.

We celebrated Palm Sunday at Church, and danced around the pews with palm branches waving in the air. For those who don't know, this tradition mimics Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem about a week before he was crucified. The citizens of that city waved palm branches as they welcomed this Miracle worker into their city. While reading the New Testament passages about this event, it's almost unfathomable that less than a week later these same people would be yelling, "CRUCIFY HIM!"

How do you go from one day of adoration for someone, to the next wanting them dead?

That may seem incredulous to most of us initially, but if you were to put it into perspective, we can all relate.

We have all experienced rage and anger in our hearts towards others. Sometimes we feel justified -- "He betrayed me, I will never forgive him." Or, "That other child hurt my son/brother/nephew, they should be punished."

Sometimes it goes beyond tangible reasons, and we are consumed by anger and thoughts of revenge.

I can remember watching 'The Passion of Christ' movie when it first came out. I went to the theaters with my husband and some friends. There were so many scenes that moved me to tears.

Watching the story play out made the whole sacrifice seem so much more than words on a page. It brought the cruelty and suffering to life, and the reality of what Christ had done for me so much more valuable.

I can remember at one point feeling my blood begin to boil as I watched the hatred the citizens had for Jesus displayed. I kept thinking, "Don't you realize who He is??? He's not even fighting back, why would you want Him dead? If only you knew what I know today!"

And do you know what Christ did for me in that moment? He showed me where I would have been placed if I were present at that time. I wasn't one who stood up and defended Him. I wasn't one who wept at His feet.

No, I was one of the very people who kept yelling, "Crucify Him, Crucify Him!"

Those holes in His hands? I put those there with every sin I committed against God. It was for my sin that He died. It was for my salvation that He endured each wound. I am no better than the guards who fought over His robes and who didn't see the light until after Christ had died.

I was humbled. All these years of allowing my anger towards those whom I believed killed Christ ended the moment I realized I was one of them. And even being one of them, Jesus still died for me.

It was in that moment that my passion for living my life for Christ was reignited once again.

Hannah

2009-04-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

Hannah is four years old, but cancer didn't seem to pay any attention to that.

At this moment, doctors in Eastern Canada are fighting to save her from a large tumor that went undetected since before she was born. It has now grown to the size of a basketball and is pressing on her Vena Cava (Largest vessel that supplies blood to the lower body), which caused her heart to stop twice Sunday night.

The surgery itself is risky. The prognosis is grim, even if she pulls through the operation.

These are desperate times for Hannah's family, and their turmoil is almost incomprehensible....but I am comforted by this thought: They know God is bigger than illness. He is bigger than cancer. He is the Mighty Physician.

I implore anyone who reads my blog to join me in this prayer today:

Dear Jesus,

You saw Hannah's unformed substance in her mother's womb. You pieced her together in wonder and beauty, and you have written all the days of her life in your book. It is by your great power that she is loved and cared for, and it is by your Will that she lives any of the days here on this earth. I petition you lord, with words and groans, to continue to bless her here on earth if that be in Your Will. If you call her home Lord, I pray that you surround her family with your far-reaching arms and hold them close. In this time of waiting, may they all feel Your presence and stand in awe of Your miraculous powers to heal and to make whole.

Thank you Lord for hearing all of our prayers. We praise you for your faithfulness and Love. Amen.

I spoke with Hannah's Mom, Shannon, yesterday for about 2.5 hours. She was still in shock, as Hannah had been a normal, happy little girl on Saturday.....dancing to her favorite music. The very next day, she is fighting for her life.

There are going to be tears, anger, fury and helpless moments in the coming days, weeks and months for this family. I am praying for a miracle, because I know that God is capable. I am reminded of the woman who kept pestering the judge who had refused to listen to her pleas over and over. She kept petitioning the judge, and finally he relented and granted her request, telling her it was because she never stopped asking.

Join me in lifting little Hannah up to the Lord, and placing her life willingly in His hands for healing.

God Bless.

*update* The surgeons were able to remove the whole tumour! Praise God! She is still in surgery, and they will be testing her lymph nodes to see what course of treatment may follow.

**2nd update: The tumour weighed a whopping 17 lbs!!! Poor little girl lost a third of her entire weight. She lost a kidney and part of her diaphragm, and one of her lungs was threatening to collapse, so she's sedated and on a ventilator until her body can heal. The lymph nodes tested negative for cancer, which is awesome news!!!

All of your prayers are still welcome. I Praise the Lord for the miraculous healing that has already occurred, and I look forward to updating with even greater news in the weeks to come!

Spring Break

2009-03-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

It always begins the same way. Bickering. Lots and lots of bickering. I'm sure the teachers all pick this particular time so that they can get away from the irritable kids who are tired of such a long winter!

We had over 12 inches of snow a few days ago. It all fell within 2 days, and covered up all the promising patches of spring grass that were beginning to show. We had our hopes up that this year we would have a dry, warm Easter to hide eggs outside. As it looks now, those hopes are dashed.

(Doesn't that look awful?)

And in comes the bickering. After almost 5.5 months of winter, no one is happy to see it prolonged--especially when there's a week of holidays to be had!

I do my best not to be brought down by others' negativity, but my energy stores are depleting quickly. I spent this last week watching my niece and nephew, and I'm starting to wonder how I survived when my kids were small! Why does it seem so much harder when it's other's children?

On a positive note (yes, there are a few of those), the chives that the young children and I planted in mini planters are starting to grow just above the surface of dirt! For anyone who knows me in real life, this is a HUGE feat. I have dubbed myself 'the black thumb' because of years of issues with gardening.

I have cried over many flowers, plants and trees that I have unintentionally killed....so these little sprouts of hope have my heart leaping for Joy! If you feel the urge to laugh at me now, just wait until you hear about how I sing to these little signs of life. I even talk to them.

Okay, maybe I'm a bit over-zealous about these plants, but they give me a reason to get up (early) each morning. (even I am laughing now!)

I pray that God has some amazing things in store for this coming week. I will be watching 2 nephews and my niece along with my four kids.....7 kids, 2 adults.....I believe in miracles!!!!!

Men and Women are Different.

2009-03-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

And they will never, ever be the same. It's true. It took me a very long time to really grasp the reality of this thought.

When I first met Arnaud, I was blinded by the fairy tale notion that once you fall in love, everything just works out. Each time he displayed less than romantic or inconsiderate gestures, I would simply tell myself that eventually I'd have him 'fixed' to my specifications....because, after all, I was worth changing for, right?

I tackled each disagreement we had with my own understandings and experience. The 'equality' movement had me convinced that we are equal--in thoughts, feelings and intentions. Thus, I approached Arnaud with the attitude that he knew better, so all of his actions (or lack thereof) were intentional and he was just 'feigning' shock at my reactions.

You can imagine my own surprise when it finally dawned on me that his brain actually works differently than mine! I think this realization came at a very good time in our marriage.....somewhere between the 'sleeping-on-the-couch-is-your-only-option' and 'is-it-considered-abuse-if-you-are-just-smacking-some-sense-back-into-him?' stage.

Here are some observations I have made in the ten years since we said "I do".

Women have great ideas. Awesome ideas. And they're always right (at least in their heads).
Men need to think they have great ideas. Awesome ideas....and they need to be right sometimes.

When it comes to marriage, women would prefer sooner rather than later.
For men, never seems like a good time to tie the knot.

It's not a 'ticking' of the biological clock that women hear (in fact, it never was such a soothing sound)....it's more of a Jack Hammer that picks up strength as we watch our friends' families grow.
Men don't have biological clocks...either that or they are using selective hearing.

Women are impatient by nature (when there's a job to do, let's get it done!).
Men's first reaction to impatience is resistance. Strong resistance...unless it has to do with a flat screen t.v. and sports.

There are times to push for what is important, and there are times to convince your husband that it was his idea in the first place. If he gets the credit, you both come out happy in the end...he thinking he got his way, and you knowing you did.

Disclaimer: There are always exceptions to these rules, and all of this was stated in good fun! ;)

Single Handedly

2009-03-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

This week I began to watch my niece (2) and nephew (4.5) while their regular childcare provider takes a maternity break for two months.

They are both really well behaved, so I do not have concerns about tantrums erupting too often...but learning to juggle 3 children under 5 again has been a challenge. One is still in diapers (wow, was I ever out of practice!!!), and the other is in his inquisitive stage. I am kept on my toes answering questions about things I've never taken notice of before. For example, "Why does chocolate make milk brown?"

I've just always accepted that it did.

I took the time to prepare for this new routine that includes extra mouths to feed and a couple more minds to keep involved. It was a good thing I did, as I can't imagine having to scramble for ideas to keep these little sponges satisfied!

My husband left early in the morning on Monday for a week long business trip. Perfect timing, isn't it? I did a little laugh when I found out the week prior, and thought there were going to be some real testing times in this first week.

Kalyna did decide (after 2 years of full night sleeps) to wake at 1:30 a.m. the first 2 nights. No fever, no illness, no need to urinate....just wanted company. I don't remember being this tired after having my newborns!! I guess my body just doesn't handle interrupted sleep like it used to.

I was like a new person when she finally slept through last night. I will never complain about having to wake half an hour early again!

I have done well on my own (with God's help)....I have single handedly held down the fort and kept the home fires burning without extra help. I was even able to attend my oldest daughter's concert, hire a babysitter for a meeting, and get grocery shopping done with 6 kids in tow!

I'm ready for my husband to come home now. My super powers are all but used up.

Motherhood: Lessons learned

2009-03-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

There were many pieces of advice given to me as I began my journey into motherhood. Some of it was helpful, some not so much.

I learned to smile, nod and thank those who offered their wisdom...then promptly forget about it when they were out of sight. This helped in many instances, but there were times that I wished I had listened a little more carefully and put into practice what these 'seasoned' mothers were offering.

Don't ever say 'my child would never do that' before your child is so far beyond the age where he/she would even attempt it, that it's safe to say it.

I distinctly remember telling my Mother that my children would never have access to scissors before Kindergarten, so there was no way they'd ever have the chance to cut each others' hair (like I had done to my sister).

Less than two weeks later I was in tears as I took my oldest daughter (3 at the time) to get her hair 'fixed' after her big brother had butchered it by cutting off her two pigtails.

Don't stress over the potty training stage, most kids are out of diapers before they graduate High School.

I had myself convinced my oldest son was to be the first child that would never use a toilet.

Ever.

I introduced him to the white throne when he was 2. I do believe I heard laughter as it dawned on him exactly what I wanted him to do while sitting on this fixture. He teased me for a full year with 'Mommy I have to pee' followed by 'just kidding', all the while wetting his pants.

My mother in law had him trained in less than a week by letting him go buck naked in her garden. I wish I hadn't wasted so much energy stressing.

Bribery is nothing to be ashamed of. Most days it's a choice: Either bribe your children to behave while grocery shopping, or starve.

It was so easy to state that I would never entice good behaviour with promises of goodies or games before I had toddlers. I couldn't tell you how many times I would look down on my friends with toddlers as they begged them to just behave this one time. I would even offer advice about being more strict and authoritative in order to have them behave. It was so easy to take this attitude when I was only dealing with a single innocent newborn.

Yep, I had it all figured out....until my baby reached about 18 months and became a screamer! Oh how I wish my friends had just knocked some sense into me back then! (actually, I'm surprised they didn't smack me for my ignorance)

I know there are more lessons to be learned, but those ones seem to sum up the ones that I learned the hard way.

Update on 'A little Story'

2009-03-10T07:43:00.000-07:00

You can read the original story here for the details.

I was just informed on Sunday that our Pastor has decided to issue a Baptismal Certificate for my nephew with Ethan's name as the one who Baptized! Our Pastor has been mulling this decision over for the past year or so, and came to the conclusion that all the elements of a Baptism were present, and to deny this event would be to deny Christ's teachings and Love.

I have yet to mention this to Ethan, and I'm sure he'll be full of Joy over this news. He has always maintained that it was a 'real' baptism, and for anyone who would say otherwise, he'd ask them to justify their stance. They couldn't, so he'd reply with, "Then it is real."

The Priest mentioned one incident a few months ago where Ethan came up to him (with my nephew) and asked if they both could receive communion. Ethan has been receiving for a number of years now, but the Priest hesitated about answering for my nephew. He simply said, "Well, you need to be Baptized first." Ethan was quick to point out that he was, indeed, a Baptized member of the Church. This was one of a few interactions that caused our Pastor to pause and re-examine what to do with this story.

I am so happy for my nephew. To have it be official now has lifted a burden for him that was heavy to carry. This will be a very special story to share for years to come. How many people can say that their younger cousin baptized them?

God is good!

Momma always told me there would be days like this

2009-03-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a day that you wish you weren't the responsible one? Where you wish for just a moment you could have a tantrum, and no one would look at you oddly?

Not only have I wished for these things, but I've actually indulged (shock!) on one or two occasions. It's so strange, I knew it was coming on (I have one or two days of hormonal imbalance each month), and I do my best to manage the outbursts....but every so often I just stop fighting it.

The above picture reminded me of the look my kids give me when the outburst occurs. I'm thankful that they give me this look, as it confirms that they are not 'used' to this behaviour, so it must be a rarity, right? (wink)

For years I tried to justify the outbursts....telling myself there was only so much a human (even a woman!) could endure before they explode. I could sense that Christ was not accepting my excuses, but I continued to make them. I would even get encouragement from fellow 'outburst' sufferers, so I felt I was in good company.

Well, that just wasn't good enough for God. No, He wanted me to work on this area....He wanted me to actually acknowledge that it was a selfish habit of mine. If it was a habit, that would imply that I had control over it....and having control over it meant that I could choose not to indulge in the behaviour.....Obviously God is not a woman. I mean, control? Really?

I now know how my husband feels when we disagree. Since I'm always right, it almost seems futile to even begin a discussion....he may as well just follow my suggestions, grin and bear it.

I've come to know this about God--you may think you are right, but you are not right. Ever. Sometimes I remember this in a timely fashion, but mostly I'm stubborn and suffer longer than necessary.

This was the case with my outbursts. For so long I had myself convinced that the hormonal imbalances (if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm referring to PMS) were not in my control, and therefore, the outbursts were also out of my hands. It figures that just when I felt comfortable in my justification, God comes and tells me it's time for another pruning session.

So, due to this being a recent revelation, I have not yet figured out the entire message aside from the fact that I no longer can justify my reactions nor hide behind my usual excuses. I have begun to ask for forgiveness (mainly from my husband, as he's the easiest target), and apologize for my lack of control.

Random (old) pictures

2009-03-05T08:58:00.000-08:00

Here are some of my favorite shots over the last few years. I didn't have a digital camera until my last child was born, so any pictures before that were done the old fashion way!

The pictures are small because they were saved in Photobucket. I hope you can still see enough to enjoy them as I have!

There's no such thing as a 'perfect shot' with four young subjects.

This was a family 'sick' day...slurpees are a cure for all ailments!

Ethan and Alec's first day of Grade 2 and Grade 1.

Annlise's first day of Kindergarten.

This is Kalyna's 'Mickey Mouse' pose. She was 3 days old.

"Pretty in pink"

Yes, that's a cast on her arm...at 15 months old. The first and only (so far) broken bone in our family.

Kalyna made the cutest Yoda last year!

The end.

Wisdom

2009-03-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

Matthew 11:19 (21st Century King James Version)

The son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, "Behold, a gluttonous man and winebibber, a friend of publicans and sinners!" But wisdom is justified by her children.

I've always remembered this verse as saying, "But wisdom is proved right by her actions." There were other variations of this verse which were closer to my memory, but this one stood out at me and I decided to use it. Most likely it was because of its reference to children.

The story of King Soloman has always intrigued me. As a 6 year old little girl, I can remember being curled up on the couch with my Mom as she read me the story of the two prostitutes who were fighting over a baby. The first time I heard the story, I was mortified when it came to the part where King Soloman ordered the baby cut in half!!! I thought this guy was supposed to be wise!

After the resolution of the story, and the sparing of the baby's life, I was in awe of this wisdom that I had heard for the first time. I wanted to know what he knew, and I wanted to know the God that he worshiped.

I would petition the Lord each night, asking for this wisdom that only He could bestow....I wanted to serve Him, and Him only....I wanted to please him. Every time I would make this request, I would be plagued with thoughts like, "You are only asking for this because you know Soloman got riches too....you know that's why you are asking for this!!"

I now know that those thoughts were not from God, nor were they from my heart. We all have these moments where we ask for what is upright and pure, but are held down by thoughts and unworthy feelings. Paul talks about this in Romans, a struggle between wanting to do what's right, but being overcome with the thoughts and actions that the sinful body urges us to do.

I continued to pursue my request.

God has blessed me with moments of wisdom. He has spoken to me and guided me through situations that I felt were hopeless. He has opened my eyes to the True gift of wisdom, which is expressed in Love....not grand gestures and loud voices....it is in seeing someone's hurt, and holding their hand through it.

I have to be honest, I expected that this gift would be a 'one time' thing that would just show up in the right times and people would recognize it right away in me....what I failed to realize is that it no longer rests with me when I'm looking for outside recognition. (This is called arrogance)

The Lord giveth and He taketh away. This message applies to each gift we are blessed with. If you fail to follow Christ's path, you no longer allow the Spirit to work through you. Without the spirit, your gifts no longer work.

The particular verse I used today (at top) opened my eyes to a new revelation in my life. The wisdom God bestowed on me was to be used to raise my children. He did not intend for me to be some great guru that the world would hear (we have enough of those!), no....His plans were far more important! I was called to raise my children to be servants for Christ, and to do so, I needed His wisdom to handle the unpredictable nature of my children.

The times that I 'try' to sound wise, words get jumbled and mixed. The times that the words I share have profound effects on others, I don't even remember thinking them through....and I'm sure I didn't, I merely let the Spirit flow through my mouth or finger tips.

I need to learn to let the Spirit flow more freely in my life.

Lord, I thank you for your presence in my life. I thank you for the blessings you have trusted me with, and I pray that you continue to reveal the purpose you have for me and my family as we come before you in humility. I pray that you keep showing me the areas of arrogance that I need to work on, and instill in me the love you have for all of your children. Amen.

I'm a wimp

2009-03-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's easier to ignore a problem than to face it head on. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I can continue to ignore the one I have to deal with.

This is going to make me look really bad as a Mom, but I have to honest here....and hopefully writing it out gives me the reality check I need to actually deal with something that needs attention.

Okay, here goes nothing....

I hate taking my kids to the dentist. Scratch that--I hate taking one particular child to the dentist! And wouldn't you know, he's the one that has the most dental issues. You would think that after all he's been through (poor guy has received the worst genes of both sides of the family), he'd get a handle on some of the procedures! Nope, his fear (which presents itself as violent anger) is deep-rooted, and not likely to be abated anytime soon.

Alec. My wonderful, caring, compassionate and sharp little man turns into a terror when there's mention of any extra work needed on his teeth. When he makes up his mind not to open his mouth, there is not one person on this earth that can open his mouth! This has caused me many anxious moments as the hygienist and dentist both look at me as if I have special super powers, and I simply state, "Good luck!"

So, now that you have a little bit of history, let me share the 'problem' that I am avoiding with my dear son, Alec. You see, one of his top teeth has grown in behind a baby tooth (that has finally come out), so it is not in a good position. When we visited the Orthodontist last year, he advised that we come back when the tooth has fully grown in, and that Alec would need an expander put in.

An expander (for those who don't know) is a metal device that hooks onto the back teeth and pushes the jaw outward to give space for more adult teeth. I am familiar with this because my oldest son had one as well. My oldest son, however, is the most docile and co-operative of all my children....so it was a pleasant experience (for me).

As you can guess, I'm not looking forward to addressing this issue....and here comes the part where I look like a bad Mom....I'm so tempted to send my husband to these appointments, just so I don't have to watch the struggles that are sure to ensue!

What kind of mother would abandon her child in a time like this???? The other scenario that has passed through my thoughts involves sedatives and a hospital setting for doing the procedure. I'm not one to advocate for excessively medicating a child, however, I'm also not willing to be the parent of a child that bites off the Orthodontist's fingers and ruins his career!

If you could spare a prayer or two, I'd appreciate God's intervention here. I'm convinced we need a miracle in Alec's life just to get through the procedure!

A Christian since birth.

2009-02-26T07:15:00.000-08:00

Everybody knows one, or maybe you are one! Someone who has always feared the Lord, avoided things which are questionable, and has rarely (if ever) doubted God in their lives. Some may call these Christians 'sheltered' or naive....some even become jealous of their perceived innocence. Myself included.

As I looked over the mistakes in my life and the bad choices I had made, I couldn't help but feel that things would have been different if only I had known for sure God existed back then. Maybe I wouldn't have as heavy a burden to deal with if I had known the price I would have to pay with guilt and shame.

I had two friends from Church while I was growing up, who seemingly had done things just right. They seemed so drawn to Christ and on fire for our Lord and Saviour. I was jealous of the joy they displayed, and the confidence with which they spoke of Jesus being in their lives. I convinced myself that their lives were much better than my own because they obeyed Jesus' teachings their whole lives.

This became a stumbling block for me as I continued to seek God's presence. Just as I began to draw near to Him, reminders of how inadequate I was would have me retreating back into the shadows and away from His embrace. Oh how I longed to go back and change things so that I wouldn't have to face the pain of seeing who I really am!

The Lord kept pursuing me.

When I finally opened my heart and my life to Christ, He showed me how I was loved even though I am a sinner; that my reward in Heaven was not based on how I lived my life before accepting Christ, it was determined by how I lived with Christ! I basked in His Peace and was experiencing True Joy for the first time in my life!

There remain people who struggle with my past mistakes and seem perplexed at how the Lord could just wipe my slate clean after the things I have done. These same people have done everything right, according to their understanding of God's teachings. Where I used to be jealous of their seemingly light burdens, I now see it as their own stumbling block.

Mark 2:17 (King James Version)

When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Because I have been forgiven much, I am constantly reminded how to love others with Christ's freely given love. Where some may question the actions of my past, there is not one who will question the love Christ has shown in my life. He does not punish those who seek His face, He forgives and replenishes their strength to go into the world and profess the miracle that has been performed in their life.

Diagnosis; Part 2

2009-02-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

I've retold this story many times, but I've never written it down. Please bear with me as I do my best to condense the enormity of emotions I felt at the time into a readable story.

The moment the doctor confirmed that Alec had Diabetes, I felt relieved. Not panicked, not terrified, not even lost. As I look back on those few moments in the office, I am sure that was God's Grace, as my reaction was so beyond what was 'normal'. There were no tears, just a determination to find out everything and anything to help Alec get better.

Alec was admitted to hospital the next day and remained there for 3 days....until Arnaud and I were properly trained to administer his daily injections and to recognize severe low blood sugar symptoms.

I paid attention throughout the classes, but I didn't feel anything. I was emotionally numb, and started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be falling apart by now? Don't I need a good cry over this?

That good cry came on the last day Alec was in hospital. I had left Arnaud with Alec, and I went home to shower and get the home ready. I needed to get a few groceries, so I went to the local store. As I walked down the familiar isles of food, everything suddenly became foreign to me....and I was lost. I started to breathe rapidly, and my face started to get flushed. I was experiencing a sense of panic over which foods to buy!

I left my cart in the store and drove to my parents' home. I fell apart. Why did this have to happen to my son? Why not me? Why couldn't I be the one that needed injections multiple times a day? Why didn't God spare my little boy.....and give the disease to me?

I told myself that there were new and improved therapies that allowed diabetics to live an active and full life. I was thankful that Alec had a treatable disease, but I wasn't focused on being thankful in the first few days and weeks.

It felt good to let my bottled up emotions burst forth, and just rid myself of the inner turmoil. My Mom prayed over me and held me until I felt strong enough to continue.

I knew that I had to hand every fear and care over to the Lord, but I was struggling with being angry. I was still a 'baby' Christian, and I couldn't figure out why the Lord would test me when I was so young in my faith. Isn't this a bit too big of a test this early, Lord? Apparently He didn't think so. I can see now that God had huge plans for all of us, and His strength helped us through the darkest of times, and will continue to do so.

Watching how Alec has grown and matured with his responsibilities has taught me about courage and perseverance. I still have moments when I catch my breath and am overcome with fear as I think about the fact that Diabetes will one day take my son.....but I am quick to give those fears over to Christ, and He embraces me with His love. I continue to Trust in His promise of eternal life.

The other night Alec asked, "Mom, when my room is ready in Heaven, will I have to still take needles?"

No, my sweet boy, you will have a perfect body in Heaven, with no more pain or illness.

The Diagnosis; Part 1

2009-02-24T07:02:00.000-08:00

Alec, age 9

I never thought I'd be one of those Christians who wondered if their faith was being tested....and they failed. But it did happen. More than once. God kept holding me up and bringing me back into His Peace-what a great and Awesome God we have!

It was October of 2002. Ethan was 4, Alec was coming up on 3 and Annlise was 9 months old. It had been a rough year trying to juggle the new responsibilities of three children in the home, and we had just had Arnaud's parents over for a 2 week visit.

They are great in-laws, full of energy and love....but having 3 children and 4 adults in a small space can send even the nicest person into a tailspin. Comments about my parenting skills, lack of potty training success, and breastfeeding for far too long were grinding on my last nerve. The worst part was that I was beginning to believe some of those criticisms myself.

I could not figure out why Alec was refusing to go near the toilet. I did my best to remain patient and calm, but we all know that when you have to 'try', you really aren't patient or calm in your approach. I got frustrated, and Alec reflected that frustration in his behaviours. I was convinced that I was failing as a Mother and my second child was going to emerge from toddlerhood with more problems than he entered it with!

Halloween was coming up, and for the whole week prior, Alec had been having success with the toilet. He was indicating when he had to go, and had dry underwear during the day....I was gaining confidence and was convinced that we had come through the roughest phase. Life was good!

The day after Halloween (and after much sugar was ingested), Alec began having accidents at night. He was overflowing the pull-ups. I switched him to a bigger size, but the accidents kept happening. He also began to drink incessantly, and my heart sank. I knew what these symptoms pointed at, but I was terrified to even consider Diabetes as a possibility. I made him a doctor's appointment for that day.

When we arrived at the clinic, a urine sample was taken. They found that he was spilling sugars, but he did not have the protein in the urine that would indicate Diabetes. I was told that his drinking was 'behavioural', and to stop giving him so many drinks. Somehow this would stop him from having accidents (which were happening during the day by this point), as well as stop him from spilling sugars into his urine.

That week he became very irritable and had trouble sleeping at night. He was losing weight and becoming very lethargic. I phoned the doctor back, and we were told to come in for a fasting blood sugar test. The results came back in the 'normal' range, slightly elevated but not high enough for a diagnosis of Diabetes.

I was beginning to panic. If it wasn't diabetes, what could be causing all of this??? Again I was told that it was my poor feeding habits....that I should reduce the amounts of sugars in his diet (right, because we all know I feed him candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner) and stop letting him drink so much water and milk.

I looked up his symptoms on google (dangerous, I know!) and became more and more agitated. If he did not have Diabetes, the only other possible conditions involved the words "tumor" and "cancer". I cried myself to sleep for the next 3 days....convinced that I was watching my little boy slowly wither away.

I called the doctor again, letting him know that if it's not Diabetes, he'd better find out what was going on because Alec was getting sicker and sicker by the day. Another blood test was ordered. It was Wednesday, November 25, 2002. Alec's birthday was in 2 days' time. I prayed like I had never prayed before that something would show up in that test that would let doctors know how to help my son.

I didn't hear back from the doctor until Friday, late afternoon. Alec's 3rd Birthday. I was told to give Alec a huge ice cream treat, then come down for another blood draw. He did indeed have Diabetes, but our doctor had been ordering the wrong tests all along. Apparently, frustrated that I was being so pushy, he decided to phone the diabetic clinic and speak to the Endocrinologist there. He was looking for back-up for when he told me my son was 'just fine'....but what he got was confirmation that indeed my son was sick, and one simple test would prove it.

Alec and I headed down to the clinic with my Mom. We stayed after hours so that we could hear the results right away. Blood sugars need to exceed 11.0 (Canadian readings) in order to confirm Diabetes, and Alec's blood sugars came back a whopping 45.5!

Diabetes entered our world on November 27, 2002. The events and emotions that followed would test our faith and family bonds to their limits....like they've never been tested before.

Stayed tuned for part 2...

Confession

2009-02-23T07:46:00.000-08:00

First I'd like to share a recent family picture. Here's my 'crew':

___________________________________________

Now for the confession part......

On Saturday I had a coffee.....with cream.

Let me justify--err, explain! You see, it was my birthday and my husband took me out for a really nice dinner at my favorite restaurant. We had a lovely time talking and enjoying each other while the children spent time with their favorite babysitter.

Our son Alec began having trouble with his blood sugars (he has type 1 diabetes), and we had a few calls throughout our dinner from the concerned babysitter. His sugars were not rising like we wanted them to, even though he was receiving a huge carbohydrate load.

We decided to pick him up and take him with us for our 'dessert' part of the birthday outing. We stopped at a local Tim Hortons (donut shop)....and their black coffee tasted less than desirable (cream covers a lot of nastiness...just thought you'd like to know). Anyway, I decided because it was my special day, I would treat myself to a single shot of cream in my coffee.

I went ahead and took a sip of the very thing I've been avoiding for two weeks....and it was not good! Oh my! Cream now tastes really thick and takes the 'coffee' taste away from the drink. I decided not to finish the cup.

Could I really be starting to like black coffee? Is that even possible?

There you have it. I'm not perfect (shock!) and can never stick to any routine for longer than a couple weeks.

Alec continued to have difficulties with his blood sugars that evening, and it's becoming apparent that he's coming down with some kind of cold or flu. I just hope that it's a short lived ailment. I'll stick to black coffee for the time being...but only if it's strong coffee.

My kids wear hole-y pants

2009-02-20T10:40:00.000-08:00

Yep, I allow my children to wear pants that have holes in them. They do have one or two pairs that don't have holes, but they have far more pairs that expose skin right around the knees.

When this first began happening, I would try to sew up the offending area on their jeans. This proved to be futile, as they would spend the next few days picking at the stitches and complaining that it 'felt weird'. They would eventually come home with an even bigger hole in their pants.

My next move was to have them wear long johns underneath the jeans (in winter). Apparently this is not 'cool', and was causing more problems than solving. I also attempted to add patches to the knees but for some unknown reason, both boys gagged at the thought of wearing cute little hearts over the gaping knee holes.

So, as it stands now, my children (mainly the boys) wear hole-y pants to school. I refuse to spend more money on clothes that barely last a month.

I'm hoping to cut these pants into shorts for the summer....let's just hope that's 'cool' enough for them! I'm so thankful that my girls like to wear dresses.

The Divine Weaver

2009-02-19T07:59:00.001-08:00

As I was growing up, I remember a poem hung beside our back entrance. I would read it now and then and think how profound the message was. Recently my parents renovated their upstairs, and the poem disappeared. I asked Mom to help me find it so that I could have it in my own home for my children to read as they grow.

I'd like to share it here also.

The Divine Weaver
Author Unknown

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me:
I cannot choose the colours
He worketh steadily.

Oftimes he weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride,
Forget He seeth the upper,
And I the under side.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Just another day

2009-02-17T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today I had the strongest cravings for coffee cream since I began this creamer boycott. I think I'm on day 9 or so and my resistance is starting to wear down. I almost had myself convinced that one cup with just a splash of cream isn't really 'cheating'....but instantly knew I'd feel guilty if I took it.

I have significantly reduced the amount of coffee that I drink in a day. I do feel a bit sluggish, but no withdrawal headache (yet). As for the jeans issue, it's hard to say if there is any change. They aren't any more tight (so I'm not making matters worse) but the looser fit is probably because I've stretched them with wear. I just finished a load of my laundry, so tomorrow I'll test the new-from-the-dryer size difference.

After my last post, I had to analyse why exactly I was doing this experiment. Was it because I felt pressure from society to fit a certain mold? Was I experiencing a resurfacing of my adolescent insecurities? Was I trying to hide the fact that I had given birth 4 times to rather large babies????

After much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that none of the above reasons are motivating me to continue with this unpleasant change. Nope, there is nothing about my decision to cut out creamers that even remotely resembles what some may refer to as a 'diet' (at least not in the typical sense).

This process started out as a money-saving exercise, and I do believe it's somewhat successful. You see, I don't have the funds to buy new jeans or bottoms (darn kids keep needing new clothes and food), so I need to be able to wear the attire that I have in my closet. In order to continue to wear said items, I need to stay a certain size (which I will not share here, thankyouverymuch!).

How much money have I saved? Well, our household now goes through much less creamer with only one person using it....which saves us a whopping $1.67 or so a week. In addition, because I am still fitting into my current wardrobe, that's another $500 not being spent on new clothes. (Okay, I'm exaggerating, but it was fun to think of spending all that money on just me!)

I think I'll reassess my objectives after 1 month. If there is no change in my ability to slip into my jeans, I'll pray for another path (because I really want my cream back!!!).

Do you see what I see?

2009-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

Are looks important to God?

No really...Does He care what size pants I wear, or how many rolls are visible outside my many layers of clothes? Does it bother Him if I have a few chins, or hair growing on my upper lip? Does God look at a jelly-belly and think "nope, don't love that one"?

If God does require me to be tall and slender in order to be loved, I have two problems right off the bat:

1) I am not tall. Barring any radical surgery, I will not grow anymore vertically....in fact, I am losing height as I age.

2) I am nowhere near slender. Unless I suck in really hard and duct tape my mid-section tightly...but even then, I spill over in my shoulders and arms. (and there's absolutely no way to hide the hips and thighs)

Seems silly to even contemplate God sizing us up by what the world sees, doesn't it? So, if the obvious answer to these queries is 'of course He doesn't base His love on looks'....then why do we spend so much time focusing our efforts in this area?

What exactly does God measure us by? Well, it's very clear that God sees our heart, and knows our thoughts. Two things that we are capable of hiding from the world, but not from God.

Some of us have very large hearts....it's funny, society does not look down upon those with this condition. In fact, the larger your heart, the more accepted you become in all circles. No one will tell you your heart is 'too big' and that maybe it's time to show less of it.

Likewise, our thoughts and ideas have the capacity to build people up....but also tear people down. How we use our thoughts either alienates us from the 'crowd' or endears us to others. With God's help, the lies that we had believed for so many years that echo in our minds will disappear, and in their place will be joy and gladness that will spill over to encourage others.

The next time I'm trying on clothes, I am not going to ask myself (or my husband) "do I look fat in this?"....I think I'll ask a new question, "Is my heart full of love today, and my thoughts on Jesus?" Because in the end, that's all that matters. I will not be taking this temporary shell with me when I am made perfect. God sees the soul that will one day be ready for eternity with Him.

The change that I need is from within. There is not a single exercise machine or diet that can help me accomplish this!

Lord renew my heart and mind that I may grow in your love. Open my eyes to what you see, that I may live a fuller and more blessed life. Amen.

Day five

2009-02-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

I thought I would update on my progress with drinking black coffee.

I'm not having fun. Still creamer-less, but getting really picky about which kind of coffee I can tolerate black.

I can't stand Nabob medium roast (there's a weird sour aftertaste), so I went to Nabob Columbian. It worked for awhile, nice full body taste and no bitter aftertaste. This morning it didn't agree with me.

So, I'm now drinking Cafe Crema....a 'Tassimo' flavour. It doesn't have cream in it, but it has a bit of froth at the top to trick me into thinking it's cream. (am I sounding delusional about this yet?)

I had a friend tell me today that I'm not allowed to complain....because I chose this path to take. It's okay, I still love her--sort of.

Jeans still small.

A piece of me

2009-02-13T10:45:00.000-08:00

One of the most memorable lessons of my early teens came on a retreat with my Church's youth group.

After a long day of canoeing, swimming, hiking and fellowship, the group sat down for the evening's talk. The Camp leader started out by telling a story of a little girl who was 'hurt' in a way that scarred her deep within. He spoke of the lies that immediately began to fill her head....so many that it was hard for her to ignore them, so she began to believe them.

These lies began to form her identity. When she wanted to do the right thing, she would convince herself that she was damaged, and would therefore not try. The darkness that threatened to envelope her heart was always creating pressures to do what she knew was not right.

People would attempt to reach out to the girl and try to show her the beauty that she was within--the beauty God created her with--but she couldn't see what they saw. She was blind to the good because she was convinced she was not. How could good exist where so much ugliness lived?

As I listened to this story, I began to cry. The counselor's wife came to me and took me to another room. She recognized the little girl in me, and reached out to offer hope.

I was not willing to accept the words she offered, "It wasn't your fault." (I had heard this many times, but the lies prevented me from believing it). I didn't say anything for a long time. I just sat and cried. The wife whispered softly next to my ear words that I believe God gave her to share.

"You didn't deserve it."

Those words were the beginning of my healing. I had convinced myself that fighting with my siblings and sometimes being angry with my parents had made God upset with me....and that's why He allowed the hurt to happen. I felt that I deserved all the bad that I had been through, and that no matter what I did, I could never regain God's love.

When the counselor's wife uttered those few simple words, a key unlocked a piece of my life's puzzle that had been hidden in shame. God was not punishing me at the time I was hurt....He was carrying me through it, and preparing me for a time when He would cause all things to come to good for those who trust in Him.

I have shared openly with many women who have been hurt in the past, and I have seen my experience shed light on their own hurts and scars. I am shown the amazing healing power that God offers to all His children, and how He puts us back together one piece at a time.

Oh! I can post again now!

2009-02-10T14:10:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the urge to post something, then stopped yourself because you don't want to make more than one post a day on your blog? I have. I just did that! Then I realized that the last post was dated for yesterday, so I can post now....Yay! (It's the simple things in life that please me, ya know?)

Anywho....I'd like to see parts of your homes. Doesn't have to be new pictures, I'm just curious about what area is defined as your 'favorite' spot or room in your house. I've had a curiosity about other homes since my parents used to take us on late night drives to see Christmas lights in our neighborhood. I would pay no attention to all the sparkly, colourful light displays--no, I was looking to see who left their drapes open so I could see how they set up their home!

It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I realized this habit can be seen as disturbing....so I try to do it less. (actually, I try to be less obvious while doing it) I just love to get ideas for my own home decor--especially wall colours. At the moment, my upstairs walls are quite boring...they are a whitish beige, and have been since we moved in about 9 years ago. My bathrooms were recently redone, so those would reflect *my* creative input.

I'll post some of my favorite spots in the home for you to see...then you post some pictures on your blogs (let me know when they are up so I can check them out!). It's fun to see the space where others live, and you may even get your friends to do the same!

Here is my upstairs bathroom:

Here's my downstairs bathroom:

And here's Kalyna....because she makes each room that she's in my favorite!

Your turn!

Any coffee drinkers out there?

2009-02-09T11:04:00.001-08:00

I was never really a coffee drinker until after I had my third child. I think birthing 3 children in 3 years warrants a stimulant beverage just to make it through the day (or at least to begin a day)!

I did cut out caffeine for my fourth pregnancy, but still drank the odd decaf coffee now and then. Once I had finished weaning my last baby, I reintroduced the real deal in my morning routine.

My coffee drinking habits have changed over the years as I've added more socializing to my schedule. What started out as a one-cup-a-day habit, has turned into a minimum 3-cup-a-day routine. I never miss my morning cup, and usually have my second and third cups mid-afternoon. Drinking coffee after 6:00 pm means that I don't usually fall asleep until early morning, so I try to avoid all caffeine in the evenings.

I adore coffee creamers. (Some may call it an addiction, but I'm in denial--shhh!) My Mother enjoys the French Vanilla (fat free) creamer, and I started out liking it too....but my all-time favorite is the Hazelnut flavour (full-fat) cream! YUMMMY!

Oh dear, my mouth is salivating now.

Within a month after finding my favourite cream, I noticed a strange occurrence. My jeans started to shrink! Who would've thunk it? This was not a good scenario, as I really didn't have the funds to replace all my jeans at the time. I made the tough decision to stop buying my cream during the year, but I would allow myself one container for Christmas and one for my birthday. Although it was hard to do, I knew it was best for my budget (and my waist!).

I went to half and half cream. I just couldn't do the 'milk' substitute most of my friends drink-didn't seem natural or enjoyable.

Well, I fell of the proverbial band wagon a few months back and got into the routine of stocking up on my favourite creamers (including a new one, Caramel Vanilla--also VERY good!). I didn't notice a change right away, but the last few weeks have confirmed what I was afraid of: my jeans have shrunk again (companies really should look into a 'non-shrinking' jeans sometime!).

So, knowing the difficult road ahead of me, I decided to try a new approach. I'm going to kick my habit of creamers all together. I'm going black, baby! I hear there's no going back.....(okay, lame attempt at some humour, but you laughed, right?)

That's right, no creamers and no sugar in my coffee anymore. I am now on day two of my program and I think I'm alright. This little experiment will either turn me off completely to coffee, or I will acquire a taste that should be easier on my waistline.

I'll update on my progress (or failure) from time to time.

How do you drink your coffee?

Everyone loves a good party

2009-02-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today we had friends and family over to celebrate my youngest daughter's 3rd birthday. All the kids helped to organize the house (read: I put my kids to work like Cinderella) and decorate.

They were charged with the task of cleaning their own rooms, but decided it's much more fun and faster to do it together. There were many treasures found (under Kalyna's bed) that had been lost for many months, as well as a few dust bunnies (where'd they come from???). I was quite proud of the way they all worked together to get each job done.

At one point I paused just outside Annlise's room to watch the team work in action. Annlise was explaining to Kalyna the importance of placing dirty clothes in the laundry basket. The dialogue went as follows:

"Kalyna, if you find some dirty socks under my bed, they belong in the hamper or else they will make my room stinky."

"Ann-eeze, why your socks not on your feet?"

"Because they got dirty with my smelly feet, and I took them off."

"Ewwww. I don't want to find your socks, I will find your Barbies and you find your dirty socks. Okay?"

I'd say that was a good deal!

When it came to decorating, I had four eager helpers. I put Alec and Kalyna on the 'chain' duty, where they linked pink and brown construction paper together to make a long rope to hang on the wall. Kalyna got to hand Alec the pieces of tape as he painstakingly bent each paper to make a loop. Somewhere along the way she decided her job wasn't fun.....so she began putting tape in his hair, on his nose and all over his back. The giggles that came out of her were worth the $4 I spent on the tape roll.

Ethan helped to set up the living room to seat about 15 people, and Annlise went on a mission to find the 'perfect' party dress. She settled on a black spandex dance top and a see-through skirt. Perfect.

Everyone arrived on time and the kids all had a blast with their cousins and one friend. As wonderful as the gifts were, Kalyna and her friend spent most of the time on our gliding rocking chair. They would glide forward and the back cushion would flop on them, then glide back to make the cushion fall back into place. Each time the cushion would topple on them, they erupted with fits of laughter.

What a great sound!

Everyone is now sleeping soundly after a full and happy day.

When does life begin?

2009-02-04T12:59:00.001-08:00

Oh, dear....here we go again, right?

Well, not exactly. You see, I have some pretty deep-set beliefs about when I believe God begins human life. My arguments go to the very basics of logic, where you must find what the first step is, in a sequence of events, that is necessary to end with a full, functioning body and mind.

A sperm left in a fertile dish will not develop into a human. An egg, left in an ideal environment will also not grow and develop into a person. However, the two, once joined (and in a proper environment) will grow into a human body.

So, the very first step would be the joining of the sperm and egg. Which in most circles is called conception. Without conception, you don't get an embryo nor a fetus, nor a baby. There are many creatures on this earth that do not 'take' a breath in order to live, and yet we identify them as 'living'.

When you ask an author what his or her first step is in writing a novel, they will often state that books start with a thought--well before the first word is written on a page for us all to see.

Having said all this, I also would like to say that I believe in a loving and forgiving God.

My morning

2009-02-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

I woke up today and had absolutely NO motivation to do any housework. Actually, most days are like this, but today I decided not to push past the feeling....I just let it be.

I stayed in my pajamas, and let Kalyna do the same. I didn't brush my teeth or brush my hair! After sending the older children off to school, I turned on some music and danced with my little girl. We bounced, twirled and laughed as we both clumsily stomped around the living room.

When we were nice and tired from the activity, Kalyna asked me to lay down with her and 'cuddle'. I stroked her hair and stared into her blueish-green eyes. We gave each other Eskimo kisses, and wrinkled up our noses as we talked about silly things.

I asked my almost-three-year-old what she was thinking and she replied, "You are beautiful."

Is this what I've been missing each morning as I try to get my house in order to start the day? Wow. I think I need to reassess my priorities. Again.

We snuggled for awhile longer, then I took my shower. I tackled the pile of dishes in the sink and put the newspaper in the recycling bin. The work load seemed less, and my heart light. I do believe I've found the perfect way to start each day.

The Living Word

2009-02-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

This phrase has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. I first heard these words as my parents hosted Bible study each week, and spoke of The Bible as 'the Living Word'.

When I was old enough to read, I saw this phrase typed below the larger print of The Bible on my special book. I just assumed the two went hand-in-hand, and didn't think much of the deeper meaning behind the phrase.

As I grew, I pondered the meaning a little more, and came to the conclusion that it had something to do with the fact that The Bible had survived thousands of years, so therefore represented a long life.

A priest whom I am close to pointed out that the Living Word actually represents Christ....for He lives among us, and is The Word. Ahhhh! That made more sense! I accepted this as Truth (which it is), although I couldn't quite grasp the enormity of the concept.

Soon after my experience in the Holy Spirit (or baptism in the Spirit), I had my first encounter with a divine lesson. God placed a scripture on my heart, and instructed me to read it 3 times over. The reading was: Romans 12:3-5

"(3)For by the Grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. (4) For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, (5) so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."

I read it the first time, and thought: "I know who this message is for!" There was a lady back home that I had always thought was self-righteous and 'holier than thou' in her attitude, and I was sure that God was telling me to share this passage with her to 'set her straight'! I was caught up in my excitement over being used in this way and almost forgot that I was supposed to read it 3 times....(why Lord? If I 'get' it after one reading....why do I need all 3?)

After the second read-through, I was more convinced than ever that my first thoughts were accurate. I must be a really GOOD Christian if my first instincts were so accurate, right?

I began reading for the 3 time, with a puffed-up ego and pride.....that was soon deflated as I realized the passage was for ME! It was me who was thinking more of myself than I ought to....it was me that was not behaving as a member of the body of Christ, and it was me who needed a reminder that we all have a role to play in God's plan.....no matter how different our 'functions' were.

How awesome is it that Christ knew I needed to read it 3 times before my eyes would be open? He knows me, and wants me to know Him.

In those moments, the true meaning of 'The Living Word' was revealed to me. The words came alive on the pages of my Bible, and grew in order to teach me. The Spirit within my soul showed me where I needed growth through a passage that I had read numerous times before, but had never 'seen'. I can read a passage on one day and understand a piece of the puzzle, and that same passage on another day--in another situation--can mean something completely different, and yet helpful.

Christ is alive! In our hearts, through His Word, and in Heaven.

I can feel Him. I can know Him, and I can Love Him. These things are only possible if He lives.

An exciting life?

2009-01-30T10:43:00.000-08:00

I was reading a blog earlier (One day at a time), and Mrs Sandy mentioned that it surprised her that people took interest in her day to day life. Compared to the experiences of other blog writers, she questioned what made people read and comment about her life.

I, for one, am fascinated by the fact that Mrs Sandy is a foster parent. Her ability to divide her time and love with so many little ones, and mold them into confident members of society....all the while continuing to nurture the family she gave birth to, is an adventure in and of itself. The lessons and perspectives gained by such selfless actions are what draw me to that particular blog.

Emily has travelled on a rough road that began as pain, torment and anguish....but has allowed her sadness to turn into joy. I am enthralled by the Grace she has shown in the midst of a pain that is beyond my comprehension.

Sunshine is timid and yet so full of life. Her story may not seem 'made for Hollywood', but her spirit shines through as she speaks of the love she has for her family.

Bestill has found a way to share her praises through fears and uncertainty. I am encouraged by her words and thoughts that are so freely shared.

S.Sarah's blog was one I stumbled across as I read comments on another. I believe I was led to her blog to offer some words of comfort and possibly a friendship. I see her reaching out, and I know that Christ would grab onto her hand....so I did too.

All of us at some point or another feels insignificant in this world....like our experiences and 'talents' are of no use to anyone else. God feels different. He uses us in ways that sometimes we don't see the ripple effect, or the outcome of our obedience to His Will. Sometimes we are blessed to see the fruit of our actions.....which serves to remind us that our thoughts, words and deeds have the potential to reach far and wide.

My story has many elements to it, and each experience was essential for me to come to know Christ in a personal way. He knew me from before I was formed, and He also knew what was necessary for me to endure in order to 'hear' him. He was there for me when I turned my back on Him so many times.....His free Grace saved me from myself. Because I am forgiven much, I chose to love much. How can I withhold love, when Christ gave it so freely?

There is no such thing as a 'boring' life when Christ is at work within. In fact, there is no such thing as a boring life even when you don't know Christ....because He knows you! I am privileged to know some of you as well.

A little story

2009-01-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

A little boy asked to his Mom and (step)Dad if he could get baptized in a Church. They didn't see any reason not to, so they set up a date with the Church to get all three of their children baptized.

The day before the baptism, the bio-Dad stated that he wanted to attend. Because of prior incidents involving bio-Dad, (step)Dad decided that it would be best not to have the boy baptised at this date, but to give bio-Dad a time limit to arrange it to be done.

The little boy's shoulders slumped, but he said he understood to spare the feelings of his (step)Dad.

The day of the baptism went smoothly. The little boy watched as his little brother and sister were welcomed into Christ's family, and even got to hold their lit candles during the service! He was happy for his siblings.....and yet there was a sparkle missing from this normally happy little guy.

All of his aunts, uncles and cousins were there, and did their best to console the boy in his disappointment.....but there were no words that could touch the deep 'left-out' feeling that settled in the pit of his stomach.

One cousin, who had always been very close to the little boy, saw his hurt and spent the whole morning praying that something would change, and that the little boy would get baptized. When it looked like all hope was lost, he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Secretly, he whispered to the little boy to come with him along with another cousin to the water fountain. He asked the little boy, "Do you want Jesus in your heart, so you can be part of His family, and believe He is the Son of God?" The little boy answered, "Yes."

The cousin then turned on the water tap and sprinkled water over the little boy saying, "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. You are now part of Jesus' family forever."

The sparkle instantly returned to the little boy's eyes.

The little boy is my nephew. The cousin is my oldest son, Ethan.

Faith and Healing

2009-01-28T07:23:00.000-08:00

*Update* Kalyna is now on a third antibiotic and it is staying down! Praise God! We are not out of the woods yet, but we are definitely on the right path. Thank you for your prayers. God has heard our petitions and calmed my fears.

Original post:

Does your Faith get shaken? I find it hard to answer this question sometimes.

I have been through some pretty rough situations, and I have had my focus taken away from Christ, but to say that my Faith had been affected doesn't sound accurate. Even in my angry times, when I didn't understand why God had allowed things to occur, I didn't question His authority or His love for me. I think that was the only thing that got me through the painful periods of my life.

The one area I still struggle in is when my kids are affected. You can throw financial turmoil my way, and I'll flinch, but I know I'll come out just fine with God's help. You can throw stress into the mix of my life, and I'll depend on God to guide me through. When it comes to my children suffering....well, I just don't want that to be part of my lessons.

My youngest daughter, Kalyna, is suffering from pneumonia right now. She has tried 3 different antibiotics but cannot keep them down long enough to be of any help. She is not sleeping at night, and she's not eating much at all. Prayer has been a stable part of her treatment (seems to be the only thing I can do for her), and I'm feeling quite spiritually attacked through this experience.

I do trust that God has gone before us with this struggle, and that I will come out of this hardship with a much stronger Faith and a testament to His healing powers, but fear is something that is gripping my heart right now.

Please help me to lift Kalyna up in prayer as her little body fights this awful illness.

God Bless you all.

How we met (for S.Sarah!)

2009-01-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

Today I'll share the story of how I met my husband. It's a long story....actually it's not, but I like to add in so many details (it's how I talk too) that it makes for a long story.

I had just entered my first year of University and was still unsure of what exactly I wanted to study. I had never thought about a career other than motherhood, so deciding what to be while I waited for my true calling was rather intimidating.

I felt so lost in the sea of other students, and often found myself in a corner of the main building, writing down random thoughts. The loneliness surprised me, especially since there were so many people around.

On one particular Friday afternoon, my girlfriend and I were in a silly mood. I think it had more to do with fatigue than mischief, but we were caught up in fits of laughter. (I giggle when I'm over tired) As we entered the bus that would take us home, I looked up to see a young man sitting at the front. His eyes pierced right through me, and I had this odd sensation that one day I would 'date' him. (We were both seeing other people at this point)

My friend commented that he was cute, and being in a silly mood, I asked if she wanted me to strike up a conversation so that she could meet him. She was mortified that I would even suggest it, so we continued to giggle to ourselves as onlookers wondered about our sanity.

When I arrived home, I mentioned to my Mom that this guy had looked me in the eyes on the bus. Eye contact was not something that happened often with strangers on a bus. Most people find their seat and keep to themselves. I didn't tell her about the odd thought that passed through my mind, though.

Three weeks later, I was the 'designated driver' for some of my girlfriends as we went out for drinks. It was convenient for my friends to have me tag along, as I was not a drinker. We had decided to hang out at a small lounge at a local restaurant. There was a small dance floor for later in the evening, and my friends beckoned me to join them as they began to show signs of alcohol 'relaxation'.

As I danced, I sensed someone watching me.....it was the guy from the bus! He kept staring at me and smiling, so I smiled back. As he approached me, I felt the need to apologize for my behaviour on the bus. You know that blank, hesitant look people give you when they have no clue what you are talking about? Well, he gave that to me. Apparently, he left more of an impression on me that day, than I on him.

He leaned into me and, speaking over the loud music, asked, "Are you single?"

I happened to be single at that time, and answered in the affirmative. Then he introduced himself to me. "My name is Arnaud." Huh?

"Ar-no....like Schwarzenegger." I loved his comparison, and still remember how cute he looked as he struggled to speak in English with me. When I discovered he was from France, I was hooked. He was in his last year of studies, and on an exchange program.

We searched high and low for a pen and paper in order to share our phone numbers....and wouldn't you know it, not one person (including waiters!) had one for us to use! We decided to meet in front of the University book store at 12:00 pm, in 3 days' time. I couldn't wait to see him again.

I was in front of the book store 10 minutes before the agreed time. I didn't want to risk missing Arnaud. The time came, and I looked around anxiously, barely containing my excitement. 12:05 pm....no one. 12:10 pm....still no Arnaud. At this point, I'm imagining he and his friends perched on one of the balconies, pointing and laughing at the poor girl thinking that her 'Prince' will come.

I started to walk away, angry that I had been stood up. I stopped and decided to go back. This was not like me. I didn't wait around for guys.....I had much more integrity than that. I can look back now and realize that God directed me to turn back, as there was no way I'd ever run into Arnaud again.

As soon as I returned to the book store entrance, Arnaud came waltzing down the corridor to greet me. I had planned to give him a little hug, then suggest a cafeteria to have some coffee in. He being French, had a different kind of greeting! Wow! Talk about rubber legs--he held me in the most passionate embrace, and I lost all the wits about me. I could barely talk after he performed this shocking PDA (public display of affection). I know my face was flushed.

We chatted for awhile, then exchanged phone numbers. He called me that very evening, and I knew this one was special.

I guess the rest is history!

On loan

2009-01-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to be a Mom. It has been my heart's deepest desire since I can remember (and I have a very long memory!).

I have been training for this purpose from the moment I took my first breath; the scream I let out on the day of my birth demonstrated that my lungs were designed for summoning children from afar. This ability has served me well.

All of my dolls were very well taken care of.....until my younger sister was old enough to get her hands on them. Even then I had the natural instinct to comfort each one as their face was destroyed by magic marker or their hair cut with safety scissors. I learned through each of these difficulties to forgive my sister and to love my 'babies', even with their faults.

I began babysitting at 12 years of age, and loved every minute of my time spent with others' children. There was a sense of accomplishment when I would walk into a new home and get the children to bed with no fussing! Word spread fast that I had a 'children whisperer' quality, and my calendar was always booked.

It's no surprise to those who knew me well that I began my family early. Although my first was not planned, I was fully prepared in my heart to raise him (as I'd been trained!). I couldn't wait to dress him up (just like my dolls), and carry him around in the snugly. He would be mine, all mine.....or so I thought.

Through the years (and a few children later), it occurred to me that God had given me these children on loan. He is the one who created them. He is the one who paid for them. And one day, He will call them home. Until that time, I am given the honour of raising them in the knowledge of Him, and am expected to invest my talents in them that they may grow interest for Christ.

Prior to this revelation, I had been trying to mold them to my standards. I would have bad days and take some of my frustrations out on my kids, then justify it by mentally stating, "They are my kids, I'll raise them how I feel is best." I felt that somehow I had ownership over them, and therefore, did not have anyone to answer to over my failings.

I am so grateful that the Lord stepped in when He did. It took losing two pregnancies for my eyes to be opened up to the Truth that "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." He is the True Master for my children, I am but a temporary guardian.....trusted with the task of directing them to the straight path.

When I have my bad days (yes, I still have many of those), I no longer justify my actions or poor choices.....I make amends. I apologize to my children--not for addressing their behaviours, but for doing so in a hurtful manner. In this way, I am acknowledging that they do not belong to me, but belong to the same Master that I serve.

That's Impossible!

2009-01-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned before that God comes to me in dreams and visions. Sometimes I 'hear' His message right away, other times it takes a few attempts for my mind to have an 'aha!' moment. Sometimes I just simply hide from the responsibility of being His vessel....

About 2 years ago, I began having a persistent dream. In the dream, God was telling me that it was time to give Him the full tithe at Church. Not only that, but it had to be decided by my husband, Arnaud! All he had to do was commit to 2 months, and if God had not revealed Himself to Arnaud by then, we could stop tithing.

Let me paint a picture of the enormity of the task I had just been asked to do.....

It had taken me nearly 5 years to convince my husband to give even a slight portion of our income to the Church, as he held onto some pretty strong views regarding Churches and their spending habits. Each year, as Arnaud would get his raise at work, I would increase our giving by the same percentage. I was careful not to make too big a deal about the amount, as I knew his issues were deep.

I actually laughed in my sleep at the thought of bringing this up with my husband. I was sure he'd look at me like I had 3 heads. So I ignored the message. I convinced myself that it was just my deep yearning to please God, and my mind was playing tricks on me again.

The next night, God came to me with the same message. I told myself it was impossible to think this could be from God....I mean, He knows my husband too, right?

For two weeks God pursued me in dreams. After that amount of time, with little to no sleep because the message was getting more urgent, I finally broke to God's Will and spoke with my husband. I said word for word the message and waited for a response......

"Uh, I'll think about it." Okay then. That night I had the deepest, most restful sleep I could remember.

A week later, Arnaud still hadn't given a definitive answer to God's message. I had almost forgotten about it, but God is an excellent reminder of His plans. I began to lose sleep again, with a new message: Arnaud now had to give his answer by that Saturday...which gave him about a week to decide.

On Wednesday of that week, my husband and I discovered we were pregnant again. In normal circumstances, this news would bring great joy and celebration. Instead, it brought fear and confusion.

You see, after our fourth child was born (a year prior), my doctor told me that having another child would be very dangerous. So, I gave permission for the doctor to tie my fallopian tubes during the c-section. Although I couldn't be sure that what I was doing was God's direction, I did know that He would forgive me for lacking faith in that moment.

Thus, the fear that we both felt with this new impossible situation. I was also experiencing some pain in one of my sides, and feared an ectopic pregnancy. That night, The Lord came to me in a dream and told me that this child would be a catalyst for great things that were to come. I had peace in my heart again.

On Friday, we learned that baby was growing inside the uterus! The odds of this happening were very low, and we were all in awe of God's power in this miracle.

Saturday came.....and Arnaud had not given an answer. I was completely absorbed with planing for another precious baby, and 'the message' was far from my mind. That day, while in the care of my husband, our youngest daughter fell down the stairs and broke her arm. It was a scary time for all of us, but she was okay aside from her arm.

As we prepared to go to Church that Sunday morning, I went to write our check for the Tithe. I turned to Arnaud and asked if he had decided the amount yet......

"Let's do the whole Tithe. Two months, right?"

I was shocked! I didn't question it, but there was no way my husband could have just decided to give more money--it was impossible! I wrote the check for 10% and off we went.

We lost the baby at 7 weeks along. We both were devastated, but I hung to the promise of the message I had received, that 'he would be a catalyst for great things.'

A week later, Arnaud received a promotion that was not foreseeable or possible 2 weeks earlier. The stresses at work eased, and he began being praised for his efforts there.

The 2 month mark arrived, and I sat Arnaud down for a talk. I let him know he had fulfilled the obligation of 2 months (which was part of the message), and did he want to go back to what we were giving before?

"Sarah, when you first shared the dream with me, I thought you had finally lost it. I put it out of my mind. When you reminded me and gave me a deadline, I was annoyed, and avoided it. Then you got pregnant....I was scared and saw God's power to do the impossible. When Kalyna broke her arm, I knew that God was upset with me for not answering him. That's why I agreed to the whole Tithe. I didn't want to know what God's next step was! After we started Tithing, I have seen God in the blessings that have followed. I don't want to go back to doubting."

I had prayed for years that my husband would come to know The Lord in a personal way....and in that moment, The Lord revealed that He had heard my pleas, and answered them! God takes the impossible and makes it possible!

It will take my whole lifetime to grow into the servant that The Lord has called me to be, and as I attempt to lean more on my Faith (and less on my own understandings), I am also learning to listen to His voice.

My husband and I both continue on our journey of faith with the knowledge that God is right here beside us the whole way.

Peace

2009-01-14T16:43:00.000-08:00

It does not mean the absence of chaos, noise and destruction.....it is to be in the midst of these things, and be calm in your heart.

Author unknown.

Kalyna

2009-01-13T07:58:00.000-08:00

'Kah - Leen - ah'.

Soft spoken, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. She loves to cuddle, and is the first to offer a kiss for her older siblings' boo-boos.

Kalyna is our last baby. She was conceived after two losses, and early on we were sure we had lost her too. It was the hardest times in my life, and yet the Lord blessed us through them.....showing us just how precious life is, and what gifts our children are.

I always loved my children, but there were many days that my focus was on the work of caring for them, as opposed to the honour of raising them. Following our losses, and then our miracle, I have never looked at my children as less than the blessings they are. (and sometimes blessings are hard work too!)

I loved the baby stage, and I was dreading the toddler stage with Kalyna. I knew it probably meant more Independence (a bittersweet inevitability), and less cuddle time....and I braced for it. She surprised me with her continued enjoyment of those snuggles and nearness times, and I will milk it for all it's worth!

At almost 3 years of age, Kalyna has taught our family about putting others first--well, putting her first, anyways! She's still learning about how to ask for things politely. She'll say 'please and thank you'.....and that's great! However, when it's said in a high-pitched, shrill scream, most people have a hard time making out the words.

Kalyna. Our little 'Cranberry bush' (Ukrainian meaning).

Laughter

2009-01-11T15:45:00.000-08:00

Isn't laughter the most wonderful sound? God knew what He was doing when we were designed to produce a sound that emits the joy that bubbles up and out from our hearts.

The hearty laughs are the most fulfilling, in my opinion. The ones that are not forced or expected, they just burst out--sometimes surprising the person making the sound.

It's not often that my children catch me off guard with their jokes. They are still at the stage where they forget the important half of the jokes while reciting them, or they give the punch lines away at the wrong time. I laugh genuinely, although I have to admit it's mostly because they look so cute trying to remember the details.

Friday night, Alec came into the computer room before I left for Bible Study. Ethan was on the laptop beside me, and we were concentrating on our respective screens.

Alec: "Hey guys, wanna hear a construction joke?"

Ethan and I: "Sure."

Alec: "I'm working on it."

With that, he walked away....then it hit me. A loud, booming laugh erupted from my middle and I laughed so hard I cried. It was a good joke. It caught me off guard, and I chased Alec down to snuggle and tickle him.

Laughter is a gift.

A lasting gift

2009-01-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of the latest sweater set I made for a little baby girl. I love to knit, but I don't often find time to finish many projects.

This is a pattern that my Grandmother used to make all my children special sets when they were born. I once mentioned to my Mom that I'd love to one day learn how to knit like Grandma, so that I could make these things for friends and family.

My Mom went to visit Grandma and help her with chemo treatments one winter. They had a lot of time on their hands as they waited in hospitals, then at home for the medicine to run its course. During this time, Mom asked Grandma to teach her the pattern.

That Christmas, I opened a strangely shaped package from my Mom. Inside I found knitting supplies and some baby wool. I burst out crying when I opened up a photocopied booklet of Grandma's pattern for baby layettes, and a note saying, "Merry Christmas, Sarah. When you find the time, I will sit down and teach you to read this pattern. Love Mom and Grandma."

Since learning this pattern, I have made 5 sets for our Church's street mission to hand out to new mothers, and 5 other sets for friends. This is one Christmas gift that will keep on giving!

Annlise

2009-01-10T12:55:00.000-08:00

A song fills her heart. Vivacious, a social butterfly, a contagious laughter. She defines the phrase 'wearing your emotions on your sleeve'.

Annlise is our first born daughter. She was born a tiny little thing, with a great big attitude! Her baby growth chart shows she stayed under the 3rd percentile until she was into her 18th month. The doctor told us that she would not reach 5 ft tall, and we embraced the thought of having a little 'pixie' girl to cuddle.

By the time she reached 2 years of age, she had jumped up to the 50th percentile for height! Well, now the doctor told us she would be 5 ft 1 in at full growth. To make a long story short, she is now the tallest girl in her grade 1 class! I think her attitude was too big for her small frame, so her body grew to accommodate the spirit!

She was born with music in her heart and has communicated through song since she learned to speak. When reading or playing dolls, you'll find her humming along to life's melodies....it's what makes her happy.

I always dreamed of having my own little princess; a little girl to play dress up with and to impart my knowledge of the important things in life, all the while developing a beauty from within.

I have no worries for this little fire cracker. She makes it known what she is thinking and feeling as soon as the emotions hit.

My (not-so-little) Princess. Annlise

ALEC

2009-01-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

An observer. Thoughtful, smart as a whip, and a tender heart to minister to others' needs.

Alec is our second born child, and our youngest son. He came into this world bigger than life itself (I'm not kidding, this kid was 10 lbs, 13 oz)--and the doctor almost dropped him because of it. (yes, she actually admitted to this!)

He had some troubles at birth, and was kept in the Neonatal Intermediate ICU on an I.V. for the first 24 hours of his life. When I was finally wheeled to his little bassinet, I realized just how out-of-place he seemed in a room full of 2 and 3 pound babies. They looked so tiny in their isolettes, and Alec was spilling over he was so big!

I was able to cuddle him and nurse him right away--boy was he hungry!

He was a quiet little baby, and we worried he had delays....but our concerns were allayed when he began speaking in full sentences at 18 months. That right, folks, he went from zero to five million words in one day! (Okay, a little exaggerated, but you get the point)

Alec is our black and white thinker. There is a right and a wrong for every situation, and he'll call you on it if something is unfair. This way of thinking has served him well in most situations, but has also caused some difficulties with certain teachers.....*cringe*

As strong willed as he can be, Alec has the most tender heart you'll ever see in a nine year old body. He has a love for animals, and for babies, both of whom are completely vulnerable and needy. I thank God for him every day....especially on the days that I could strangle him (but choose not to!).

Alec.

(Oh, he was diagnosed, at age 3, with Type 1 diabetes....but that is not who he is.)

ETHAN

2009-01-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

Wise beyond his years. Eager to please, quick to comfort, a bright young man.

Ethan is our oldest child of four (living). He was not planned by us, but God knew how important he would be in our lives. He was originally going to be named Brett. Arnaud and I had agreed upon this name after our first ultrasound, even though we did not yet know if he was a boy. I just had this 'feeling' that I was carrying a son. Brett was a bold name. A strong name. Plus, it was cool.

Again, our plans were revised by God.....as He had a different name in store for our firstborn.

I traveled to France in my sixth month of pregnancy, to share the news of our pregnancy with Arnaud's family. Once the shock wore off (for them!), we began planning for the upcoming changes in our lives.

At the time of our visit, Arnaud's grandfather was in the last stages of his life and in hospital. I had met him once before, and formed an immediate bond. His first words to me (in French) were, "Sarah, did you know your name is in the Bible?" When I answered in the affirmative, he beamed from ear to ear. I was told later that day that it was the first time his family had seen him smile in a long time.

I had wanted to visit him one last time, but my future mother-in-law thought it best I didn't. She didn't want me to remember him so sick, and he wasn't conscious to remember me. I was disappointed and heartbroken, but I respected her wishes.

One morning, I had a vision. It was so clear and seemed so real. In the vision, I was sitting beside his grandfather, saying goodbye. I asked him to say 'Hi' to God for me, and he replied, "You can say 'Hi' yourself, He's all around!" He then placed his hand on my bulging abdomen and told me that this baby boy would do great things in this life. He then said the baby's name, but I didn't quite understand....so he said, "Don't worry, it's in the Bible."

I felt almost as if I had been there in his hospital room, and I was at peace, knowing that I had said my goodbyes.

I didn't think much of the details of the message, as I was yet to begin my relationship with Christ, but when Arnaud heard about it, he immediately blurted out, "What do you think of the name Ethan?"

Ethan.

It was okay....I didn't know anyone else with this name, so I guess it was an option. I replied, "I like it, but I don't think it's in the Bible."

That day, Arnaud's grandfather passed away. We spent the afternoon mourning with family, and later that night, I snuggled beside Arnaud on the couch to watch a movie. I told him that we should look 'Ethan' up on the computer, to see what it meant. Since hearing the name that morning, I became less and less a fan of Brett.

The confirmation that this indeed would be our child's name came when we found the origins via 'google'. Ethan was, in fact, a name found in the Bible. It's meaning is 'firmness, long-lived'. He has certainly lived up to his name (the firmness part, anyway!).

On more than one occasion, I have seen glimpses of the greatness that God has in store for him. I pray each day that I can follow God's Will for his upbringing. When asked what he wants to be when he grows up, he answers, "A priest and a doctor."

Ethan.

"The sign"

2009-01-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

A man was stranded on the roof of his house during a flood. He had a deep Christian faith, so he began to pray earnestly for God to rescue him.

After an hour, a young boy in an inflatable boat floated by, and asked if he needed help. The stranded man replied, "No, sir, I am waiting for God to save me." The boy in the boat left.

Once again, the stranded man petitioned the Lord to save him. About 2 hours later, a man paddled by in a canoe. He saw the stranded man on the roof, and asked if he needed a ride to safety. "No thank you, God will save me--I have faith." The man paddled away.

"Please Lord, give me a sign that you will save me!" cried the man, who was still stranded on his roof. Just as he looked up, a helicopter appeared overhead. On the loudspeaker, the pilot asked if the man needed to be rescued. The stranded man waved the helicopter away, yelling, "I'm okay, I don't need your help, I'm waiting for God!"

The water continued to rise above the house. The man perished in the flood, and went up to Heaven. Once there, he asked God, "Lord, I called out to you to save me, why didn't you?"

In a booming, yet loving voice, the Lord God replied, "I sent you a boat, a canoe and a helicopter....what more did I have to do?"

How often do we ask God for signs in our life to 'prove' that He is Lord? How often do we cry out to Him and ask that He fix a problem or take away a hurt? How often do we listen and accept the help He sends?

I heard this joke many years ago, and laughed at its truth--both in how God sometimes answers our prayers, as well as in how we expect God's answer to look different....bigger.

Imagine the Jews' disappointment when for centuries they had cried out for a saviour, and God's answer was a tiny baby, laying in a manger. Surely God would have sent someone a little more capable....a lot more powerful, right? And, how could He die, if He was indeed the One?

I know in my life, I have rejected help from others time and again. Whether due to pride, embarrassment or just plain self-pity, I did not accept the people sent to me to ease my burdens. I wanted the answers to come from God Himself (with a bolt of lightening or two), I just didn't expect the message to come through friends and acquaintances--or my children.

I have learned over time that to be part of the Body of Christ means that there are other parts that assist my function, and I in turn, assist their function. If we are not working together, we are not growing or accomplishing any of God's work. God can even use non-believers (or 'pre'believers, as I like to refer to them!) to help His children in times of need.

I think my biggest hurdle comes because I sometimes question the intent of those who do not know Christ. I do love "pre" believers, and I have no problems separating the sin from the sinner, but I have a very hard time accepting that God may be working through them to help me. I am actively working on this aspect, as I do believe I've missed the boat, canoe and helicopter on many occasions in this area.

What do you need?

2009-01-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

For the past 5 nights, my younger son, Alec (9), has been staying up late in his room. When I would walk past his room (around 10 pm) to turn out the light, assuming he was asleep, I would find him either reading his book, playing his Nintendo DS, or just tinkering with this lego.

My initial reaction had been exasperation and frustration, with quite a few sighs thrown in for good measure. I admonished him for staying up so late, knowing that he needed rest for school starting up again after the holidays.

That first interaction produced some tears, and I went over to hug him. I ask him why he couldn't sleep. Was it a tummy ache? no. Was it a headache? no. Do you need to use the washroom? no.

"What do you need, Alec?"

Mom, I'm scared to close my eyes. Every time I do, I see bad pictures and have bad thoughts.

Ahhhh....now that's something I know how to help with.

I placed my hands on Alec's head, and prayed, "Dear Jesus, we ask that you place your healing hands upon Alec, and take away his bad thoughts and dreams. Lord, give him the rest he needs in order to wake up refreshed and ready for the new day. Thank you, Lord Jesus, Amen."

I looked at Alec, and he smiled. I told him that the prayer needed one more thing. He asked what it was, so I answered, "It needs for you to agree with the words spoken by saying Amen."

Why is that, Mom?

I answered, "Because the Bible states: 'For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.'"(Mat.18.20)

Again, that smile crept across his face, and he whispered, "Amen."

Each night after that, he would stay awake until I'd pass by his room. He would complain that he couldn't sleep, and I'd ask, "What do you need?"

A little smile, and a shy, "I need a prayer, Mom" would be all that was needed to get me to cross the room to his bed. I would ask him to state to Jesus what his fears were, and he'd go through the list of concerns. I would then say the prayer, with Alec echoing his 'Amen' at the end.

What began as an annoyance, has become a beautiful bedtime ritual; one that has brought me the joy of praying with my children. I think the Lord used a child to lead me (again), and showed me the need in my life: laying my burdens before Him, and trusting that He will carry me through.

Alec is sound asleep within 5 minutes of prayer.....trusting in His Lord and Saviour to fulfill his needs.