I've been struggling with some very real emotions recently. Emotions that make me want to say hurtful things.
In the world's eyes, I'm justified. In fact, in my eyes, I'm justified in carrying out what my emotions want me to do.
However, in God's eyes, I am not excused if I carry out these actions in anger.
As much as I pray that the Lord lifts my hurt and anger, a huge part of me wants to hang onto it. I don't want to forgive this person. I want this person to hurt inside. I want this person to pay for what they have done. I want revenge.
What I have been learning (albeit slowly) is that having God in my life does not make decisions easier...in fact, I'd say that His guidance makes the choices so much more difficult! Yes, that's right. I said it. It's hard having God in my life right now.
Why? Because I cannot deny the Truth of His counsel. I want to react with my human instincts. Before I knew God, I would do just that. I didn't really care if I hurt people along the way....because I felt justified in doing so.
Now that I do know God through Jesus, I am privy to know the 'right thing' to do....and it's so hard to choose the right thing when every part of my being wants to do the wrong thing.
My human urge wants to deny knowing what is right. I have been close to giving in to these hurts...and every time I get near acting them out, I see the cross before me. I have a choice to add another nail or put the hammer down.
I am stuck holding the hammer right now. In tears. I think I know what I will do, but I have not made that decision yet.
God is always right.
3 comments:
Oh Sarah, I'm sorry you're struggling. But your courage and commitment is inspiring.
I hope everything is alright. Know that it WILL be alright.
Lots of Hugs,
Lindsay
Just keep praying about it. I've been in the struggle of right and wrong many times and the feeling of justified, because of what someone has said or done to me, but God shut my mouth up. He reminded me that revenge was his not mine.It's a tough spot to be in. My advice is to keep praying that God will remove this.((hugs))
Thanks Lindsay and Sandy, I appreciate the support.
I really wish the offense had been directed at me. When your child has been unfairly attacked, it brings out emotions you never knew you were capable of.
I know I'll come out of this with my head held high...but right now I feel vulnerable to my instinctual urges.
Hugs,
Sarah
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