I was reading a friend's blog today, and her words spoke to me and to some of my pain.
I'm not sure I knew this particular area that I was hurting before reading her words, but I sure know it now.
Her journey is one of heartache, anguish, bone-crushing agony...and hope. A path that has brought her to the brink of ruin so many times, and yet she pulls herself back and bravely faces the world again....even though it's only a matter of time before the waves of grief pull her once again towards the ocean of despair.
Her baby girl died this past spring. Suddenly, with no warning. There is no comparable pain.
So how could her words speak to my struggles? How can I even remotely relate to a portion of her pain? My children all continue to breathe, sleep, and live.
I think I realized today that while Alec is still alive...and while he still makes small steps towards recovery...a part of him did die back in December when his teacher hurt him.
A part of him did die.
The part that gave him his spark, his will to live....
I miss who he used to be. I accept who he is now, but my heart will always grieve what could have been. I cry myself to sleep many nights. I beg God to let us all go back to before the 'bad stuff' happened. I fear the future.
God has the power to bring back to life that which has died. It's not always what He chooses to do.
It's hard for me to trust in His plan when I hurt like I do.
I want to care about others and their problems, and I want to be happy for those who never have to know their 10 year old child has contemplated suicide,....but sometimes I feel my heart isn't big enough anymore.
My pain is not the same as my friend's pain. But it hurts too.
I'm waiting for God to help me release the hold of anger on my heart...and maybe he's waiting for me to allow him.
2 comments:
I want to care about others and their problems, ..............but sometimes I feel my heart isn't big enough anymore.
I'm stealing your words in my next blog I think! Of course it hurts, I can't imagine your pain, like you can't imagine mine. We are supposed to be able to protect our children, to keep them safe and happy, alive and breathing. We are responsbible for so much that when something happens we are a loss because its not something we can just fix not matter how hard we try. God is never going to bring back Megan no matter how I beg, no matter the pain I am in she isn't going to come back. I know this but it doesn't make it easier. You still have to adapt and make what you do have work. Nobody ever said being a mom would be easy, its the most rewarding and most painful thing I've ever experienced in my life. I'm still waiting for my release of anger as well but Im getting closer every day, I know for a fact that its him waiting for me to allow him. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep and now when i start I just ask him to please embrace me and give me some peace because I do not want to be alone anymore and I swear it feels like someone just takes all this weight off my shoulders and my breathing slows and I sleep instead of cry and roll around anyxiously with the memories of that day replaying. Its all so hard somedays. Love you Eryka! ((hugs))
Love you too Jenny! I just figured out how to 'publish' comments...I can't believe I missed all these wise words from friends for so long! I just thought no one was reading my blog anymore, lol.
Big hugs to you, always!
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