It's not the same

I was reading a friend's blog today, and her words spoke to me and to some of my pain.

I'm not sure I knew this particular area that I was hurting before reading her words, but I sure know it now.

Her journey is one of heartache, anguish, bone-crushing agony...and hope. A path that has brought her to the brink of ruin so many times, and yet she pulls herself back and bravely faces the world again....even though it's only a matter of time before the waves of grief pull her once again towards the ocean of despair.

Her baby girl died this past spring. Suddenly, with no warning. There is no comparable pain.

So how could her words speak to my struggles? How can I even remotely relate to a portion of her pain? My children all continue to breathe, sleep, and live.

I think I realized today that while Alec is still alive...and while he still makes small steps towards recovery...a part of him did die back in December when his teacher hurt him.

A part of him did die.

The part that gave him his spark, his will to live....
I miss who he used to be. I accept who he is now, but my heart will always grieve what could have been. I cry myself to sleep many nights. I beg God to let us all go back to before the 'bad stuff' happened. I fear the future.

God has the power to bring back to life that which has died. It's not always what He chooses to do.

It's hard for me to trust in His plan when I hurt like I do.

I want to care about others and their problems, and I want to be happy for those who never have to know their 10 year old child has contemplated suicide,....but sometimes I feel my heart isn't big enough anymore.

My pain is not the same as my friend's pain. But it hurts too.

I'm waiting for God to help me release the hold of anger on my heart...and maybe he's waiting for me to allow him.

How does God speak to you?

I have been asked this question multiple times, and I mostly stumble over my answers.

The truth is, it's hard to explain how God speaks to me. Sometimes He speaks through visions or dreams, other times it's a still, quiet voice. Not quite a whisper....more of a gentle breeze past my ear with words that burn my heart.

I have had God speak to me through others....even through non-believers. As pain and turmoil is shared, that loving caress with words that build you up from the inside out is as much God's voice as the booming baritone that most expect to hear.

Sometimes I miss the message....maybe most times, actually. He guides me with words that make no sense to the World's ways. I am asked to say or do things that will most definitely make me stand out....but not in a 'wow, she's so awesome' kind of way....more like a 'yep, she's whacked' kind of way.

That's how I know it's God's voice.

And that potential for embarrassment is what keeps me from the growth I desperately need.

The voice has been strong lately, and He's telling me to forgive. He has even been clear on WHO to forgive, and HOW to do it. I'm still hurting. My son is still hurting. And God wants me to forgive. I know the message is urgent, for He has used every communication tool to convey it.

I have had dreams. And visions.

I have heard the still, small voice brushing past my ears.

I have heard the booming command, and had His words jump at me from the Bible. My heart has been convicted.

So I will listen. Because I know that God's ways are not always understood, but they are always right.