On loan

I have always wanted to be a Mom. It has been my heart's deepest desire since I can remember (and I have a very long memory!).

I have been training for this purpose from the moment I took my first breath; the scream I let out on the day of my birth demonstrated that my lungs were designed for summoning children from afar. This ability has served me well.

All of my dolls were very well taken care of.....until my younger sister was old enough to get her hands on them. Even then I had the natural instinct to comfort each one as their face was destroyed by magic marker or their hair cut with safety scissors. I learned through each of these difficulties to forgive my sister and to love my 'babies', even with their faults.

I began babysitting at 12 years of age, and loved every minute of my time spent with others' children. There was a sense of accomplishment when I would walk into a new home and get the children to bed with no fussing! Word spread fast that I had a 'children whisperer' quality, and my calendar was always booked.

It's no surprise to those who knew me well that I began my family early. Although my first was not planned, I was fully prepared in my heart to raise him (as I'd been trained!). I couldn't wait to dress him up (just like my dolls), and carry him around in the snugly. He would be mine, all mine.....or so I thought.

Through the years (and a few children later), it occurred to me that God had given me these children on loan. He is the one who created them. He is the one who paid for them. And one day, He will call them home. Until that time, I am given the honour of raising them in the knowledge of Him, and am expected to invest my talents in them that they may grow interest for Christ.

Prior to this revelation, I had been trying to mold them to my standards. I would have bad days and take some of my frustrations out on my kids, then justify it by mentally stating, "They are my kids, I'll raise them how I feel is best." I felt that somehow I had ownership over them, and therefore, did not have anyone to answer to over my failings.

I am so grateful that the Lord stepped in when He did. It took losing two pregnancies for my eyes to be opened up to the Truth that "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." He is the True Master for my children, I am but a temporary guardian.....trusted with the task of directing them to the straight path.

When I have my bad days (yes, I still have many of those), I no longer justify my actions or poor choices.....I make amends. I apologize to my children--not for addressing their behaviours, but for doing so in a hurtful manner. In this way, I am acknowledging that they do not belong to me, but belong to the same Master that I serve.