Everybody knows one, or maybe you are one! Someone who has always feared the Lord, avoided things which are questionable, and has rarely (if ever) doubted God in their lives. Some may call these Christians 'sheltered' or naive....some even become jealous of their perceived innocence. Myself included.
As I looked over the mistakes in my life and the bad choices I had made, I couldn't help but feel that things would have been different if only I had known for sure God existed back then. Maybe I wouldn't have as heavy a burden to deal with if I had known the price I would have to pay with guilt and shame.
I had two friends from Church while I was growing up, who seemingly had done things just right. They seemed so drawn to Christ and on fire for our Lord and Saviour. I was jealous of the joy they displayed, and the confidence with which they spoke of Jesus being in their lives. I convinced myself that their lives were much better than my own because they obeyed Jesus' teachings their whole lives.
This became a stumbling block for me as I continued to seek God's presence. Just as I began to draw near to Him, reminders of how inadequate I was would have me retreating back into the shadows and away from His embrace. Oh how I longed to go back and change things so that I wouldn't have to face the pain of seeing who I really am!
The Lord kept pursuing me.
When I finally opened my heart and my life to Christ, He showed me how I was loved even though I am a sinner; that my reward in Heaven was not based on how I lived my life before accepting Christ, it was determined by how I lived with Christ! I basked in His Peace and was experiencing True Joy for the first time in my life!
There remain people who struggle with my past mistakes and seem perplexed at how the Lord could just wipe my slate clean after the things I have done. These same people have done everything right, according to their understanding of God's teachings. Where I used to be jealous of their seemingly light burdens, I now see it as their own stumbling block.
Mark 2:17 (King James Version)
When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, "They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."
Because I have been forgiven much, I am constantly reminded how to love others with Christ's freely given love. Where some may question the actions of my past, there is not one who will question the love Christ has shown in my life. He does not punish those who seek His face, He forgives and replenishes their strength to go into the world and profess the miracle that has been performed in their life.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Diagnosis; Part 2
I've retold this story many times, but I've never written it down. Please bear with me as I do my best to condense the enormity of emotions I felt at the time into a readable story.
The moment the doctor confirmed that Alec had Diabetes, I felt relieved. Not panicked, not terrified, not even lost. As I look back on those few moments in the office, I am sure that was God's Grace, as my reaction was so beyond what was 'normal'. There were no tears, just a determination to find out everything and anything to help Alec get better.
Alec was admitted to hospital the next day and remained there for 3 days....until Arnaud and I were properly trained to administer his daily injections and to recognize severe low blood sugar symptoms.
I paid attention throughout the classes, but I didn't feel anything. I was emotionally numb, and started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be falling apart by now? Don't I need a good cry over this?
That good cry came on the last day Alec was in hospital. I had left Arnaud with Alec, and I went home to shower and get the home ready. I needed to get a few groceries, so I went to the local store. As I walked down the familiar isles of food, everything suddenly became foreign to me....and I was lost. I started to breathe rapidly, and my face started to get flushed. I was experiencing a sense of panic over which foods to buy!
I left my cart in the store and drove to my parents' home. I fell apart. Why did this have to happen to my son? Why not me? Why couldn't I be the one that needed injections multiple times a day? Why didn't God spare my little boy.....and give the disease to me?
I told myself that there were new and improved therapies that allowed diabetics to live an active and full life. I was thankful that Alec had a treatable disease, but I wasn't focused on being thankful in the first few days and weeks.
It felt good to let my bottled up emotions burst forth, and just rid myself of the inner turmoil. My Mom prayed over me and held me until I felt strong enough to continue.
I knew that I had to hand every fear and care over to the Lord, but I was struggling with being angry. I was still a 'baby' Christian, and I couldn't figure out why the Lord would test me when I was so young in my faith. Isn't this a bit too big of a test this early, Lord? Apparently He didn't think so. I can see now that God had huge plans for all of us, and His strength helped us through the darkest of times, and will continue to do so.
Watching how Alec has grown and matured with his responsibilities has taught me about courage and perseverance. I still have moments when I catch my breath and am overcome with fear as I think about the fact that Diabetes will one day take my son.....but I am quick to give those fears over to Christ, and He embraces me with His love. I continue to Trust in His promise of eternal life.
The other night Alec asked, "Mom, when my room is ready in Heaven, will I have to still take needles?"
No, my sweet boy, you will have a perfect body in Heaven, with no more pain or illness.
The moment the doctor confirmed that Alec had Diabetes, I felt relieved. Not panicked, not terrified, not even lost. As I look back on those few moments in the office, I am sure that was God's Grace, as my reaction was so beyond what was 'normal'. There were no tears, just a determination to find out everything and anything to help Alec get better.
Alec was admitted to hospital the next day and remained there for 3 days....until Arnaud and I were properly trained to administer his daily injections and to recognize severe low blood sugar symptoms.
I paid attention throughout the classes, but I didn't feel anything. I was emotionally numb, and started to think that maybe there was something wrong with me. Shouldn't I be falling apart by now? Don't I need a good cry over this?
That good cry came on the last day Alec was in hospital. I had left Arnaud with Alec, and I went home to shower and get the home ready. I needed to get a few groceries, so I went to the local store. As I walked down the familiar isles of food, everything suddenly became foreign to me....and I was lost. I started to breathe rapidly, and my face started to get flushed. I was experiencing a sense of panic over which foods to buy!
I left my cart in the store and drove to my parents' home. I fell apart. Why did this have to happen to my son? Why not me? Why couldn't I be the one that needed injections multiple times a day? Why didn't God spare my little boy.....and give the disease to me?
I told myself that there were new and improved therapies that allowed diabetics to live an active and full life. I was thankful that Alec had a treatable disease, but I wasn't focused on being thankful in the first few days and weeks.
It felt good to let my bottled up emotions burst forth, and just rid myself of the inner turmoil. My Mom prayed over me and held me until I felt strong enough to continue.
I knew that I had to hand every fear and care over to the Lord, but I was struggling with being angry. I was still a 'baby' Christian, and I couldn't figure out why the Lord would test me when I was so young in my faith. Isn't this a bit too big of a test this early, Lord? Apparently He didn't think so. I can see now that God had huge plans for all of us, and His strength helped us through the darkest of times, and will continue to do so.
Watching how Alec has grown and matured with his responsibilities has taught me about courage and perseverance. I still have moments when I catch my breath and am overcome with fear as I think about the fact that Diabetes will one day take my son.....but I am quick to give those fears over to Christ, and He embraces me with His love. I continue to Trust in His promise of eternal life.
The other night Alec asked, "Mom, when my room is ready in Heaven, will I have to still take needles?"
No, my sweet boy, you will have a perfect body in Heaven, with no more pain or illness.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Diagnosis; Part 1
Alec, age 9I never thought I'd be one of those Christians who wondered if their faith was being tested....and they failed. But it did happen. More than once. God kept holding me up and bringing me back into His Peace-what a great and Awesome God we have!
It was October of 2002. Ethan was 4, Alec was coming up on 3 and Annlise was 9 months old. It had been a rough year trying to juggle the new responsibilities of three children in the home, and we had just had Arnaud's parents over for a 2 week visit.
They are great in-laws, full of energy and love....but having 3 children and 4 adults in a small space can send even the nicest person into a tailspin. Comments about my parenting skills, lack of potty training success, and breastfeeding for far too long were grinding on my last nerve. The worst part was that I was beginning to believe some of those criticisms myself.
I could not figure out why Alec was refusing to go near the toilet. I did my best to remain patient and calm, but we all know that when you have to 'try', you really aren't patient or calm in your approach. I got frustrated, and Alec reflected that frustration in his behaviours. I was convinced that I was failing as a Mother and my second child was going to emerge from toddlerhood with more problems than he entered it with!
Halloween was coming up, and for the whole week prior, Alec had been having success with the toilet. He was indicating when he had to go, and had dry underwear during the day....I was gaining confidence and was convinced that we had come through the roughest phase. Life was good!
The day after Halloween (and after much sugar was ingested), Alec began having accidents at night. He was overflowing the pull-ups. I switched him to a bigger size, but the accidents kept happening. He also began to drink incessantly, and my heart sank. I knew what these symptoms pointed at, but I was terrified to even consider Diabetes as a possibility. I made him a doctor's appointment for that day.
When we arrived at the clinic, a urine sample was taken. They found that he was spilling sugars, but he did not have the protein in the urine that would indicate Diabetes. I was told that his drinking was 'behavioural', and to stop giving him so many drinks. Somehow this would stop him from having accidents (which were happening during the day by this point), as well as stop him from spilling sugars into his urine.
That week he became very irritable and had trouble sleeping at night. He was losing weight and becoming very lethargic. I phoned the doctor back, and we were told to come in for a fasting blood sugar test. The results came back in the 'normal' range, slightly elevated but not high enough for a diagnosis of Diabetes.
I was beginning to panic. If it wasn't diabetes, what could be causing all of this??? Again I was told that it was my poor feeding habits....that I should reduce the amounts of sugars in his diet (right, because we all know I feed him candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner) and stop letting him drink so much water and milk.
I looked up his symptoms on google (dangerous, I know!) and became more and more agitated. If he did not have Diabetes, the only other possible conditions involved the words "tumor" and "cancer". I cried myself to sleep for the next 3 days....convinced that I was watching my little boy slowly wither away.
I called the doctor again, letting him know that if it's not Diabetes, he'd better find out what was going on because Alec was getting sicker and sicker by the day. Another blood test was ordered. It was Wednesday, November 25, 2002. Alec's birthday was in 2 days' time. I prayed like I had never prayed before that something would show up in that test that would let doctors know how to help my son.
I didn't hear back from the doctor until Friday, late afternoon. Alec's 3rd Birthday. I was told to give Alec a huge ice cream treat, then come down for another blood draw. He did indeed have Diabetes, but our doctor had been ordering the wrong tests all along. Apparently, frustrated that I was being so pushy, he decided to phone the diabetic clinic and speak to the Endocrinologist there. He was looking for back-up for when he told me my son was 'just fine'....but what he got was confirmation that indeed my son was sick, and one simple test would prove it.
Alec and I headed down to the clinic with my Mom. We stayed after hours so that we could hear the results right away. Blood sugars need to exceed 11.0 (Canadian readings) in order to confirm Diabetes, and Alec's blood sugars came back a whopping 45.5!
Diabetes entered our world on November 27, 2002. The events and emotions that followed would test our faith and family bonds to their limits....like they've never been tested before.
Stayed tuned for part 2...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Confession
First I'd like to share a recent family picture. Here's my 'crew':
___________________________________________Now for the confession part......
On Saturday I had a coffee.....with cream.
Let me justify--err, explain! You see, it was my birthday and my husband took me out for a really nice dinner at my favorite restaurant. We had a lovely time talking and enjoying each other while the children spent time with their favorite babysitter.
Our son Alec began having trouble with his blood sugars (he has type 1 diabetes), and we had a few calls throughout our dinner from the concerned babysitter. His sugars were not rising like we wanted them to, even though he was receiving a huge carbohydrate load.
We decided to pick him up and take him with us for our 'dessert' part of the birthday outing. We stopped at a local Tim Hortons (donut shop)....and their black coffee tasted less than desirable (cream covers a lot of nastiness...just thought you'd like to know). Anyway, I decided because it was my special day, I would treat myself to a single shot of cream in my coffee.
I went ahead and took a sip of the very thing I've been avoiding for two weeks....and it was not good! Oh my! Cream now tastes really thick and takes the 'coffee' taste away from the drink. I decided not to finish the cup.
Could I really be starting to like black coffee? Is that even possible?
There you have it. I'm not perfect (shock!) and can never stick to any routine for longer than a couple weeks.
Alec continued to have difficulties with his blood sugars that evening, and it's becoming apparent that he's coming down with some kind of cold or flu. I just hope that it's a short lived ailment. I'll stick to black coffee for the time being...but only if it's strong coffee.
Friday, February 20, 2009
My kids wear hole-y pants
Yep, I allow my children to wear pants that have holes in them. They do have one or two pairs that don't have holes, but they have far more pairs that expose skin right around the knees.
When this first began happening, I would try to sew up the offending area on their jeans. This proved to be futile, as they would spend the next few days picking at the stitches and complaining that it 'felt weird'. They would eventually come home with an even bigger hole in their pants.
My next move was to have them wear long johns underneath the jeans (in winter). Apparently this is not 'cool', and was causing more problems than solving. I also attempted to add patches to the knees but for some unknown reason, both boys gagged at the thought of wearing cute little hearts over the gaping knee holes.
So, as it stands now, my children (mainly the boys) wear hole-y pants to school. I refuse to spend more money on clothes that barely last a month.
I'm hoping to cut these pants into shorts for the summer....let's just hope that's 'cool' enough for them! I'm so thankful that my girls like to wear dresses.
When this first began happening, I would try to sew up the offending area on their jeans. This proved to be futile, as they would spend the next few days picking at the stitches and complaining that it 'felt weird'. They would eventually come home with an even bigger hole in their pants.
My next move was to have them wear long johns underneath the jeans (in winter). Apparently this is not 'cool', and was causing more problems than solving. I also attempted to add patches to the knees but for some unknown reason, both boys gagged at the thought of wearing cute little hearts over the gaping knee holes.
So, as it stands now, my children (mainly the boys) wear hole-y pants to school. I refuse to spend more money on clothes that barely last a month.
I'm hoping to cut these pants into shorts for the summer....let's just hope that's 'cool' enough for them! I'm so thankful that my girls like to wear dresses.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The Divine Weaver
As I was growing up, I remember a poem hung beside our back entrance. I would read it now and then and think how profound the message was. Recently my parents renovated their upstairs, and the poem disappeared. I asked Mom to help me find it so that I could have it in my own home for my children to read as they grow.
I'd like to share it here also.
The Divine Weaver
Author Unknown
My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me:
I cannot choose the colours
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes he weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride,
Forget He seeth the upper,
And I the under side.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
I'd like to share it here also.
The Divine Weaver
Author Unknown
My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me:
I cannot choose the colours
He worketh steadily.
Oftimes he weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride,
Forget He seeth the upper,
And I the under side.
Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Just another day
Today I had the strongest cravings for coffee cream since I began this creamer boycott. I think I'm on day 9 or so and my resistance is starting to wear down. I almost had myself convinced that one cup with just a splash of cream isn't really 'cheating'....but instantly knew I'd feel guilty if I took it.
I have significantly reduced the amount of coffee that I drink in a day. I do feel a bit sluggish, but no withdrawal headache (yet). As for the jeans issue, it's hard to say if there is any change. They aren't any more tight (so I'm not making matters worse) but the looser fit is probably because I've stretched them with wear. I just finished a load of my laundry, so tomorrow I'll test the new-from-the-dryer size difference.
After my last post, I had to analyse why exactly I was doing this experiment. Was it because I felt pressure from society to fit a certain mold? Was I experiencing a resurfacing of my adolescent insecurities? Was I trying to hide the fact that I had given birth 4 times to rather large babies????
After much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that none of the above reasons are motivating me to continue with this unpleasant change. Nope, there is nothing about my decision to cut out creamers that even remotely resembles what some may refer to as a 'diet' (at least not in the typical sense).
This process started out as a money-saving exercise, and I do believe it's somewhat successful. You see, I don't have the funds to buy new jeans or bottoms (darn kids keep needing new clothes and food), so I need to be able to wear the attire that I have in my closet. In order to continue to wear said items, I need to stay a certain size (which I will not share here, thankyouverymuch!).
How much money have I saved? Well, our household now goes through much less creamer with only one person using it....which saves us a whopping $1.67 or so a week. In addition, because I am still fitting into my current wardrobe, that's another $500 not being spent on new clothes. (Okay, I'm exaggerating, but it was fun to think of spending all that money on just me!)
I think I'll reassess my objectives after 1 month. If there is no change in my ability to slip into my jeans, I'll pray for another path (because I really want my cream back!!!).
I have significantly reduced the amount of coffee that I drink in a day. I do feel a bit sluggish, but no withdrawal headache (yet). As for the jeans issue, it's hard to say if there is any change. They aren't any more tight (so I'm not making matters worse) but the looser fit is probably because I've stretched them with wear. I just finished a load of my laundry, so tomorrow I'll test the new-from-the-dryer size difference.
After my last post, I had to analyse why exactly I was doing this experiment. Was it because I felt pressure from society to fit a certain mold? Was I experiencing a resurfacing of my adolescent insecurities? Was I trying to hide the fact that I had given birth 4 times to rather large babies????
After much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that none of the above reasons are motivating me to continue with this unpleasant change. Nope, there is nothing about my decision to cut out creamers that even remotely resembles what some may refer to as a 'diet' (at least not in the typical sense).
This process started out as a money-saving exercise, and I do believe it's somewhat successful. You see, I don't have the funds to buy new jeans or bottoms (darn kids keep needing new clothes and food), so I need to be able to wear the attire that I have in my closet. In order to continue to wear said items, I need to stay a certain size (which I will not share here, thankyouverymuch!).
How much money have I saved? Well, our household now goes through much less creamer with only one person using it....which saves us a whopping $1.67 or so a week. In addition, because I am still fitting into my current wardrobe, that's another $500 not being spent on new clothes. (Okay, I'm exaggerating, but it was fun to think of spending all that money on just me!)
I think I'll reassess my objectives after 1 month. If there is no change in my ability to slip into my jeans, I'll pray for another path (because I really want my cream back!!!).
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Do you see what I see?
Are looks important to God?
No really...Does He care what size pants I wear, or how many rolls are visible outside my many layers of clothes? Does it bother Him if I have a few chins, or hair growing on my upper lip? Does God look at a jelly-belly and think "nope, don't love that one"?
If God does require me to be tall and slender in order to be loved, I have two problems right off the bat:
1) I am not tall. Barring any radical surgery, I will not grow anymore vertically....in fact, I am losing height as I age.
2) I am nowhere near slender. Unless I suck in really hard and duct tape my mid-section tightly...but even then, I spill over in my shoulders and arms. (and there's absolutely no way to hide the hips and thighs)
Seems silly to even contemplate God sizing us up by what the world sees, doesn't it? So, if the obvious answer to these queries is 'of course He doesn't base His love on looks'....then why do we spend so much time focusing our efforts in this area?
What exactly does God measure us by? Well, it's very clear that God sees our heart, and knows our thoughts. Two things that we are capable of hiding from the world, but not from God.
Some of us have very large hearts....it's funny, society does not look down upon those with this condition. In fact, the larger your heart, the more accepted you become in all circles. No one will tell you your heart is 'too big' and that maybe it's time to show less of it.
Likewise, our thoughts and ideas have the capacity to build people up....but also tear people down. How we use our thoughts either alienates us from the 'crowd' or endears us to others. With God's help, the lies that we had believed for so many years that echo in our minds will disappear, and in their place will be joy and gladness that will spill over to encourage others.
The next time I'm trying on clothes, I am not going to ask myself (or my husband) "do I look fat in this?"....I think I'll ask a new question, "Is my heart full of love today, and my thoughts on Jesus?" Because in the end, that's all that matters. I will not be taking this temporary shell with me when I am made perfect. God sees the soul that will one day be ready for eternity with Him.
The change that I need is from within. There is not a single exercise machine or diet that can help me accomplish this!
Lord renew my heart and mind that I may grow in your love. Open my eyes to what you see, that I may live a fuller and more blessed life. Amen.
No really...Does He care what size pants I wear, or how many rolls are visible outside my many layers of clothes? Does it bother Him if I have a few chins, or hair growing on my upper lip? Does God look at a jelly-belly and think "nope, don't love that one"?
If God does require me to be tall and slender in order to be loved, I have two problems right off the bat:
1) I am not tall. Barring any radical surgery, I will not grow anymore vertically....in fact, I am losing height as I age.
2) I am nowhere near slender. Unless I suck in really hard and duct tape my mid-section tightly...but even then, I spill over in my shoulders and arms. (and there's absolutely no way to hide the hips and thighs)
Seems silly to even contemplate God sizing us up by what the world sees, doesn't it? So, if the obvious answer to these queries is 'of course He doesn't base His love on looks'....then why do we spend so much time focusing our efforts in this area?
What exactly does God measure us by? Well, it's very clear that God sees our heart, and knows our thoughts. Two things that we are capable of hiding from the world, but not from God.
Some of us have very large hearts....it's funny, society does not look down upon those with this condition. In fact, the larger your heart, the more accepted you become in all circles. No one will tell you your heart is 'too big' and that maybe it's time to show less of it.
Likewise, our thoughts and ideas have the capacity to build people up....but also tear people down. How we use our thoughts either alienates us from the 'crowd' or endears us to others. With God's help, the lies that we had believed for so many years that echo in our minds will disappear, and in their place will be joy and gladness that will spill over to encourage others.
The next time I'm trying on clothes, I am not going to ask myself (or my husband) "do I look fat in this?"....I think I'll ask a new question, "Is my heart full of love today, and my thoughts on Jesus?" Because in the end, that's all that matters. I will not be taking this temporary shell with me when I am made perfect. God sees the soul that will one day be ready for eternity with Him.
The change that I need is from within. There is not a single exercise machine or diet that can help me accomplish this!
Lord renew my heart and mind that I may grow in your love. Open my eyes to what you see, that I may live a fuller and more blessed life. Amen.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Day five
I thought I would update on my progress with drinking black coffee.
I'm not having fun. Still creamer-less, but getting really picky about which kind of coffee I can tolerate black.
I can't stand Nabob medium roast (there's a weird sour aftertaste), so I went to Nabob Columbian. It worked for awhile, nice full body taste and no bitter aftertaste. This morning it didn't agree with me.
So, I'm now drinking Cafe Crema....a 'Tassimo' flavour. It doesn't have cream in it, but it has a bit of froth at the top to trick me into thinking it's cream. (am I sounding delusional about this yet?)
I had a friend tell me today that I'm not allowed to complain....because I chose this path to take. It's okay, I still love her--sort of.
Jeans still small.
I'm not having fun. Still creamer-less, but getting really picky about which kind of coffee I can tolerate black.
I can't stand Nabob medium roast (there's a weird sour aftertaste), so I went to Nabob Columbian. It worked for awhile, nice full body taste and no bitter aftertaste. This morning it didn't agree with me.
So, I'm now drinking Cafe Crema....a 'Tassimo' flavour. It doesn't have cream in it, but it has a bit of froth at the top to trick me into thinking it's cream. (am I sounding delusional about this yet?)
I had a friend tell me today that I'm not allowed to complain....because I chose this path to take. It's okay, I still love her--sort of.
Jeans still small.
A piece of me
One of the most memorable lessons of my early teens came on a retreat with my Church's youth group.
After a long day of canoeing, swimming, hiking and fellowship, the group sat down for the evening's talk. The Camp leader started out by telling a story of a little girl who was 'hurt' in a way that scarred her deep within. He spoke of the lies that immediately began to fill her head....so many that it was hard for her to ignore them, so she began to believe them.
These lies began to form her identity. When she wanted to do the right thing, she would convince herself that she was damaged, and would therefore not try. The darkness that threatened to envelope her heart was always creating pressures to do what she knew was not right.
People would attempt to reach out to the girl and try to show her the beauty that she was within--the beauty God created her with--but she couldn't see what they saw. She was blind to the good because she was convinced she was not. How could good exist where so much ugliness lived?
As I listened to this story, I began to cry. The counselor's wife came to me and took me to another room. She recognized the little girl in me, and reached out to offer hope.
I was not willing to accept the words she offered, "It wasn't your fault." (I had heard this many times, but the lies prevented me from believing it). I didn't say anything for a long time. I just sat and cried. The wife whispered softly next to my ear words that I believe God gave her to share.
"You didn't deserve it."
Those words were the beginning of my healing. I had convinced myself that fighting with my siblings and sometimes being angry with my parents had made God upset with me....and that's why He allowed the hurt to happen. I felt that I deserved all the bad that I had been through, and that no matter what I did, I could never regain God's love.
When the counselor's wife uttered those few simple words, a key unlocked a piece of my life's puzzle that had been hidden in shame. God was not punishing me at the time I was hurt....He was carrying me through it, and preparing me for a time when He would cause all things to come to good for those who trust in Him.
I have shared openly with many women who have been hurt in the past, and I have seen my experience shed light on their own hurts and scars. I am shown the amazing healing power that God offers to all His children, and how He puts us back together one piece at a time.
After a long day of canoeing, swimming, hiking and fellowship, the group sat down for the evening's talk. The Camp leader started out by telling a story of a little girl who was 'hurt' in a way that scarred her deep within. He spoke of the lies that immediately began to fill her head....so many that it was hard for her to ignore them, so she began to believe them.
These lies began to form her identity. When she wanted to do the right thing, she would convince herself that she was damaged, and would therefore not try. The darkness that threatened to envelope her heart was always creating pressures to do what she knew was not right.
People would attempt to reach out to the girl and try to show her the beauty that she was within--the beauty God created her with--but she couldn't see what they saw. She was blind to the good because she was convinced she was not. How could good exist where so much ugliness lived?
As I listened to this story, I began to cry. The counselor's wife came to me and took me to another room. She recognized the little girl in me, and reached out to offer hope.
I was not willing to accept the words she offered, "It wasn't your fault." (I had heard this many times, but the lies prevented me from believing it). I didn't say anything for a long time. I just sat and cried. The wife whispered softly next to my ear words that I believe God gave her to share.
"You didn't deserve it."
Those words were the beginning of my healing. I had convinced myself that fighting with my siblings and sometimes being angry with my parents had made God upset with me....and that's why He allowed the hurt to happen. I felt that I deserved all the bad that I had been through, and that no matter what I did, I could never regain God's love.
When the counselor's wife uttered those few simple words, a key unlocked a piece of my life's puzzle that had been hidden in shame. God was not punishing me at the time I was hurt....He was carrying me through it, and preparing me for a time when He would cause all things to come to good for those who trust in Him.
I have shared openly with many women who have been hurt in the past, and I have seen my experience shed light on their own hurts and scars. I am shown the amazing healing power that God offers to all His children, and how He puts us back together one piece at a time.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Oh! I can post again now!
Have you ever had the urge to post something, then stopped yourself because you don't want to make more than one post a day on your blog? I have. I just did that! Then I realized that the last post was dated for yesterday, so I can post now....Yay! (It's the simple things in life that please me, ya know?)
And here's Kalyna....because she makes each room that she's in my favorite!
Your turn!
Anywho....I'd like to see parts of your homes. Doesn't have to be new pictures, I'm just curious about what area is defined as your 'favorite' spot or room in your house. I've had a curiosity about other homes since my parents used to take us on late night drives to see Christmas lights in our neighborhood. I would pay no attention to all the sparkly, colourful light displays--no, I was looking to see who left their drapes open so I could see how they set up their home!
It wasn't until I was well into adulthood that I realized this habit can be seen as disturbing....so I try to do it less. (actually, I try to be less obvious while doing it) I just love to get ideas for my own home decor--especially wall colours. At the moment, my upstairs walls are quite boring...they are a whitish beige, and have been since we moved in about 9 years ago. My bathrooms were recently redone, so those would reflect *my* creative input.
I'll post some of my favorite spots in the home for you to see...then you post some pictures on your blogs (let me know when they are up so I can check them out!). It's fun to see the space where others live, and you may even get your friends to do the same!
Here is my upstairs bathroom:
Here's my downstairs bathroom:
Your turn!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Any coffee drinkers out there?
I was never really a coffee drinker until after I had my third child. I think birthing 3 children in 3 years warrants a stimulant beverage just to make it through the day (or at least to begin a day)!
I did cut out caffeine for my fourth pregnancy, but still drank the odd decaf coffee now and then. Once I had finished weaning my last baby, I reintroduced the real deal in my morning routine.
My coffee drinking habits have changed over the years as I've added more socializing to my schedule. What started out as a one-cup-a-day habit, has turned into a minimum 3-cup-a-day routine. I never miss my morning cup, and usually have my second and third cups mid-afternoon. Drinking coffee after 6:00 pm means that I don't usually fall asleep until early morning, so I try to avoid all caffeine in the evenings.
I adore coffee creamers. (Some may call it an addiction, but I'm in denial--shhh!) My Mother enjoys the French Vanilla (fat free) creamer, and I started out liking it too....but my all-time favorite is the Hazelnut flavour (full-fat) cream! YUMMMY!
Oh dear, my mouth is salivating now.
Within a month after finding my favourite cream, I noticed a strange occurrence. My jeans started to shrink! Who would've thunk it? This was not a good scenario, as I really didn't have the funds to replace all my jeans at the time. I made the tough decision to stop buying my cream during the year, but I would allow myself one container for Christmas and one for my birthday. Although it was hard to do, I knew it was best for my budget (and my waist!).
I went to half and half cream. I just couldn't do the 'milk' substitute most of my friends drink-didn't seem natural or enjoyable.
Well, I fell of the proverbial band wagon a few months back and got into the routine of stocking up on my favourite creamers (including a new one, Caramel Vanilla--also VERY good!). I didn't notice a change right away, but the last few weeks have confirmed what I was afraid of: my jeans have shrunk again (companies really should look into a 'non-shrinking' jeans sometime!).
So, knowing the difficult road ahead of me, I decided to try a new approach. I'm going to kick my habit of creamers all together. I'm going black, baby! I hear there's no going back.....(okay, lame attempt at some humour, but you laughed, right?)
That's right, no creamers and no sugar in my coffee anymore. I am now on day two of my program and I think I'm alright. This little experiment will either turn me off completely to coffee, or I will acquire a taste that should be easier on my waistline.
I'll update on my progress (or failure) from time to time.
How do you drink your coffee?
I did cut out caffeine for my fourth pregnancy, but still drank the odd decaf coffee now and then. Once I had finished weaning my last baby, I reintroduced the real deal in my morning routine.
My coffee drinking habits have changed over the years as I've added more socializing to my schedule. What started out as a one-cup-a-day habit, has turned into a minimum 3-cup-a-day routine. I never miss my morning cup, and usually have my second and third cups mid-afternoon. Drinking coffee after 6:00 pm means that I don't usually fall asleep until early morning, so I try to avoid all caffeine in the evenings.
I adore coffee creamers. (Some may call it an addiction, but I'm in denial--shhh!) My Mother enjoys the French Vanilla (fat free) creamer, and I started out liking it too....but my all-time favorite is the Hazelnut flavour (full-fat) cream! YUMMMY!
Oh dear, my mouth is salivating now.
Within a month after finding my favourite cream, I noticed a strange occurrence. My jeans started to shrink! Who would've thunk it? This was not a good scenario, as I really didn't have the funds to replace all my jeans at the time. I made the tough decision to stop buying my cream during the year, but I would allow myself one container for Christmas and one for my birthday. Although it was hard to do, I knew it was best for my budget (and my waist!).
I went to half and half cream. I just couldn't do the 'milk' substitute most of my friends drink-didn't seem natural or enjoyable.
Well, I fell of the proverbial band wagon a few months back and got into the routine of stocking up on my favourite creamers (including a new one, Caramel Vanilla--also VERY good!). I didn't notice a change right away, but the last few weeks have confirmed what I was afraid of: my jeans have shrunk again (companies really should look into a 'non-shrinking' jeans sometime!).
So, knowing the difficult road ahead of me, I decided to try a new approach. I'm going to kick my habit of creamers all together. I'm going black, baby! I hear there's no going back.....(okay, lame attempt at some humour, but you laughed, right?)
That's right, no creamers and no sugar in my coffee anymore. I am now on day two of my program and I think I'm alright. This little experiment will either turn me off completely to coffee, or I will acquire a taste that should be easier on my waistline.
I'll update on my progress (or failure) from time to time.
How do you drink your coffee?
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Everyone loves a good party
Today we had friends and family over to celebrate my youngest daughter's 3rd birthday. All the kids helped to organize the house (read: I put my kids to work like Cinderella) and decorate.
They were charged with the task of cleaning their own rooms, but decided it's much more fun and faster to do it together. There were many treasures found (under Kalyna's bed) that had been lost for many months, as well as a few dust bunnies (where'd they come from???). I was quite proud of the way they all worked together to get each job done.
At one point I paused just outside Annlise's room to watch the team work in action. Annlise was explaining to Kalyna the importance of placing dirty clothes in the laundry basket. The dialogue went as follows:
"Kalyna, if you find some dirty socks under my bed, they belong in the hamper or else they will make my room stinky."
"Ann-eeze, why your socks not on your feet?"
"Because they got dirty with my smelly feet, and I took them off."
"Ewwww. I don't want to find your socks, I will find your Barbies and you find your dirty socks. Okay?"
I'd say that was a good deal!
When it came to decorating, I had four eager helpers. I put Alec and Kalyna on the 'chain' duty, where they linked pink and brown construction paper together to make a long rope to hang on the wall. Kalyna got to hand Alec the pieces of tape as he painstakingly bent each paper to make a loop. Somewhere along the way she decided her job wasn't fun.....so she began putting tape in his hair, on his nose and all over his back. The giggles that came out of her were worth the $4 I spent on the tape roll.
Ethan helped to set up the living room to seat about 15 people, and Annlise went on a mission to find the 'perfect' party dress. She settled on a black spandex dance top and a see-through skirt. Perfect.
Everyone arrived on time and the kids all had a blast with their cousins and one friend. As wonderful as the gifts were, Kalyna and her friend spent most of the time on our gliding rocking chair. They would glide forward and the back cushion would flop on them, then glide back to make the cushion fall back into place. Each time the cushion would topple on them, they erupted with fits of laughter.
What a great sound!
Everyone is now sleeping soundly after a full and happy day.
They were charged with the task of cleaning their own rooms, but decided it's much more fun and faster to do it together. There were many treasures found (under Kalyna's bed) that had been lost for many months, as well as a few dust bunnies (where'd they come from???). I was quite proud of the way they all worked together to get each job done.
At one point I paused just outside Annlise's room to watch the team work in action. Annlise was explaining to Kalyna the importance of placing dirty clothes in the laundry basket. The dialogue went as follows:
"Kalyna, if you find some dirty socks under my bed, they belong in the hamper or else they will make my room stinky."
"Ann-eeze, why your socks not on your feet?"
"Because they got dirty with my smelly feet, and I took them off."
"Ewwww. I don't want to find your socks, I will find your Barbies and you find your dirty socks. Okay?"
I'd say that was a good deal!
When it came to decorating, I had four eager helpers. I put Alec and Kalyna on the 'chain' duty, where they linked pink and brown construction paper together to make a long rope to hang on the wall. Kalyna got to hand Alec the pieces of tape as he painstakingly bent each paper to make a loop. Somewhere along the way she decided her job wasn't fun.....so she began putting tape in his hair, on his nose and all over his back. The giggles that came out of her were worth the $4 I spent on the tape roll.
Ethan helped to set up the living room to seat about 15 people, and Annlise went on a mission to find the 'perfect' party dress. She settled on a black spandex dance top and a see-through skirt. Perfect.
Everyone arrived on time and the kids all had a blast with their cousins and one friend. As wonderful as the gifts were, Kalyna and her friend spent most of the time on our gliding rocking chair. They would glide forward and the back cushion would flop on them, then glide back to make the cushion fall back into place. Each time the cushion would topple on them, they erupted with fits of laughter.
What a great sound!
Everyone is now sleeping soundly after a full and happy day.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
When does life begin?
Oh, dear....here we go again, right?
Well, not exactly. You see, I have some pretty deep-set beliefs about when I believe God begins human life. My arguments go to the very basics of logic, where you must find what the first step is, in a sequence of events, that is necessary to end with a full, functioning body and mind.
A sperm left in a fertile dish will not develop into a human. An egg, left in an ideal environment will also not grow and develop into a person. However, the two, once joined (and in a proper environment) will grow into a human body.
So, the very first step would be the joining of the sperm and egg. Which in most circles is called conception. Without conception, you don't get an embryo nor a fetus, nor a baby. There are many creatures on this earth that do not 'take' a breath in order to live, and yet we identify them as 'living'.
When you ask an author what his or her first step is in writing a novel, they will often state that books start with a thought--well before the first word is written on a page for us all to see.
Having said all this, I also would like to say that I believe in a loving and forgiving God.
Well, not exactly. You see, I have some pretty deep-set beliefs about when I believe God begins human life. My arguments go to the very basics of logic, where you must find what the first step is, in a sequence of events, that is necessary to end with a full, functioning body and mind.
A sperm left in a fertile dish will not develop into a human. An egg, left in an ideal environment will also not grow and develop into a person. However, the two, once joined (and in a proper environment) will grow into a human body.
So, the very first step would be the joining of the sperm and egg. Which in most circles is called conception. Without conception, you don't get an embryo nor a fetus, nor a baby. There are many creatures on this earth that do not 'take' a breath in order to live, and yet we identify them as 'living'.
When you ask an author what his or her first step is in writing a novel, they will often state that books start with a thought--well before the first word is written on a page for us all to see.
Having said all this, I also would like to say that I believe in a loving and forgiving God.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My morning
I woke up today and had absolutely NO motivation to do any housework. Actually, most days are like this, but today I decided not to push past the feeling....I just let it be.
I stayed in my pajamas, and let Kalyna do the same. I didn't brush my teeth or brush my hair! After sending the older children off to school, I turned on some music and danced with my little girl. We bounced, twirled and laughed as we both clumsily stomped around the living room.
When we were nice and tired from the activity, Kalyna asked me to lay down with her and 'cuddle'. I stroked her hair and stared into her blueish-green eyes. We gave each other Eskimo kisses, and wrinkled up our noses as we talked about silly things.
I asked my almost-three-year-old what she was thinking and she replied, "You are beautiful."
Is this what I've been missing each morning as I try to get my house in order to start the day? Wow. I think I need to reassess my priorities. Again.
We snuggled for awhile longer, then I took my shower. I tackled the pile of dishes in the sink and put the newspaper in the recycling bin. The work load seemed less, and my heart light. I do believe I've found the perfect way to start each day.
I stayed in my pajamas, and let Kalyna do the same. I didn't brush my teeth or brush my hair! After sending the older children off to school, I turned on some music and danced with my little girl. We bounced, twirled and laughed as we both clumsily stomped around the living room.
When we were nice and tired from the activity, Kalyna asked me to lay down with her and 'cuddle'. I stroked her hair and stared into her blueish-green eyes. We gave each other Eskimo kisses, and wrinkled up our noses as we talked about silly things.
I asked my almost-three-year-old what she was thinking and she replied, "You are beautiful."
Is this what I've been missing each morning as I try to get my house in order to start the day? Wow. I think I need to reassess my priorities. Again.
We snuggled for awhile longer, then I took my shower. I tackled the pile of dishes in the sink and put the newspaper in the recycling bin. The work load seemed less, and my heart light. I do believe I've found the perfect way to start each day.
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Living Word
This phrase has been a part of my life since I was a little girl. I first heard these words as my parents hosted Bible study each week, and spoke of The Bible as 'the Living Word'.
When I was old enough to read, I saw this phrase typed below the larger print of The Bible on my special book. I just assumed the two went hand-in-hand, and didn't think much of the deeper meaning behind the phrase.
As I grew, I pondered the meaning a little more, and came to the conclusion that it had something to do with the fact that The Bible had survived thousands of years, so therefore represented a long life.
A priest whom I am close to pointed out that the Living Word actually represents Christ....for He lives among us, and is The Word. Ahhhh! That made more sense! I accepted this as Truth (which it is), although I couldn't quite grasp the enormity of the concept.
Soon after my experience in the Holy Spirit (or baptism in the Spirit), I had my first encounter with a divine lesson. God placed a scripture on my heart, and instructed me to read it 3 times over. The reading was: Romans 12:3-5
"(3)For by the Grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. (4) For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, (5) so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."
I read it the first time, and thought: "I know who this message is for!" There was a lady back home that I had always thought was self-righteous and 'holier than thou' in her attitude, and I was sure that God was telling me to share this passage with her to 'set her straight'! I was caught up in my excitement over being used in this way and almost forgot that I was supposed to read it 3 times....(why Lord? If I 'get' it after one reading....why do I need all 3?)
After the second read-through, I was more convinced than ever that my first thoughts were accurate. I must be a really GOOD Christian if my first instincts were so accurate, right?
I began reading for the 3 time, with a puffed-up ego and pride.....that was soon deflated as I realized the passage was for ME! It was me who was thinking more of myself than I ought to....it was me that was not behaving as a member of the body of Christ, and it was me who needed a reminder that we all have a role to play in God's plan.....no matter how different our 'functions' were.
How awesome is it that Christ knew I needed to read it 3 times before my eyes would be open? He knows me, and wants me to know Him.
In those moments, the true meaning of 'The Living Word' was revealed to me. The words came alive on the pages of my Bible, and grew in order to teach me. The Spirit within my soul showed me where I needed growth through a passage that I had read numerous times before, but had never 'seen'. I can read a passage on one day and understand a piece of the puzzle, and that same passage on another day--in another situation--can mean something completely different, and yet helpful.
I can feel Him. I can know Him, and I can Love Him. These things are only possible if He lives.
When I was old enough to read, I saw this phrase typed below the larger print of The Bible on my special book. I just assumed the two went hand-in-hand, and didn't think much of the deeper meaning behind the phrase.
As I grew, I pondered the meaning a little more, and came to the conclusion that it had something to do with the fact that The Bible had survived thousands of years, so therefore represented a long life.
A priest whom I am close to pointed out that the Living Word actually represents Christ....for He lives among us, and is The Word. Ahhhh! That made more sense! I accepted this as Truth (which it is), although I couldn't quite grasp the enormity of the concept.
Soon after my experience in the Holy Spirit (or baptism in the Spirit), I had my first encounter with a divine lesson. God placed a scripture on my heart, and instructed me to read it 3 times over. The reading was: Romans 12:3-5
"(3)For by the Grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. (4) For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, (5) so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."
I read it the first time, and thought: "I know who this message is for!" There was a lady back home that I had always thought was self-righteous and 'holier than thou' in her attitude, and I was sure that God was telling me to share this passage with her to 'set her straight'! I was caught up in my excitement over being used in this way and almost forgot that I was supposed to read it 3 times....(why Lord? If I 'get' it after one reading....why do I need all 3?)
After the second read-through, I was more convinced than ever that my first thoughts were accurate. I must be a really GOOD Christian if my first instincts were so accurate, right?
I began reading for the 3 time, with a puffed-up ego and pride.....that was soon deflated as I realized the passage was for ME! It was me who was thinking more of myself than I ought to....it was me that was not behaving as a member of the body of Christ, and it was me who needed a reminder that we all have a role to play in God's plan.....no matter how different our 'functions' were.
How awesome is it that Christ knew I needed to read it 3 times before my eyes would be open? He knows me, and wants me to know Him.
In those moments, the true meaning of 'The Living Word' was revealed to me. The words came alive on the pages of my Bible, and grew in order to teach me. The Spirit within my soul showed me where I needed growth through a passage that I had read numerous times before, but had never 'seen'. I can read a passage on one day and understand a piece of the puzzle, and that same passage on another day--in another situation--can mean something completely different, and yet helpful.
Christ is alive! In our hearts, through His Word, and in Heaven.
I can feel Him. I can know Him, and I can Love Him. These things are only possible if He lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)